Wisdom isn't always easy. Sometimes it's incredibly frustrating, and feels a lot more like defeat. That's where I am. I'm not even sure I want to call it wisdom, but that's the only thing I could think of that seems to fit and hasn't the negative connotation of "giving up"; I am not a quitter, thank you! But sometimes wisdom is knowing when to walk away.
Nothing's ever plagued me the way this has ('this' being the end of a very dear relationship, with a very dear man). I can't say I'm surprised that it affected me so, but I was surprised by it. The whole dang thing was a surprise, from start to finish, everything seemed like something I didn't expect. I didn't expect it to be so easy. I didn't expect to get so much advice; I didn't expect to get so much judgment. I didn't expect to feel so special. I didn't expect to feel so low. I did not expect to fall in love with a staunch Lutheran...didn't see that one comin'. Probably the worst thing of all, I didn't expect to want to walk away from a man I loved.
I tend to claim to know myself well, - though lately I've been questioning it - and in that I've always been so sure that I won't have more than one relationship. If I'd bother to get romantically involved with someone for any substantial amount of time, that would probably mean it's the real deal. I not only know myself pretty well, but when I'm wrong I'll own it. Not that I'm not afraid to admit it but that I'll get myself there, because honesty is important to me.
I fought really hard, just short of completely altering my life to keep fighting. That's been me a lot, too. Not trying to sound like a martyr (if it still sounds that way...oops), but I'm loyal and I know relationships take sacrifice and compromise. Being the go-with-the-flow type girl that I am, I tend to bend to whatever, let go of a lot of things (with some exceptions, of course), get trampled, even get neglected...All because I have this picture of that being what you do in relationship: give of yourself. And then give again. Which has helped me run into some doozies of relationship in which I value it more than the other person does.
I don't say all this to be melodramatic, or to paint a harsh picture of him - I say it as catharsis, as holding myself to the new direction, and as offering my story to anyone out there in hopes that they might learn and grow without having to go through it, too. Maybe they will anyways, but they'll know that it's survivable.
If there's one thing I've got going for me, it's been that I'm generally pretty resilient. Certainly it's a God-given thing, and not to my own credit. I have gone through some things in my life that I forget were my experiences because they're so far in the distance and didn't manage to hold me back. This, however, has been a time in my life I've been genuinely worried that I won't bounce back; that I'll be too scared to go anywhere near love again. However, my advice wouldn't be to guard your heart in that way you know I despise, rather it would be "protect yourself". If others won't protect you in how they treat you, and it's not done for the sake of your growth, that might be a sign you're taking one on the chin when you shouldn't. It's kind of like the phrase "throwing good money after bad"; all the self-sacrifice and fight in the world may not wake them up to the fact that you need them to come through and to fight. You also can't, and shouldn't, run from every relationship just because you get hurt sometimes. It's a fickle balance, whether or not to take one for love.
I tend to claim to know myself well, - though lately I've been questioning it - and in that I've always been so sure that I won't have more than one relationship. If I'd bother to get romantically involved with someone for any substantial amount of time, that would probably mean it's the real deal. I not only know myself pretty well, but when I'm wrong I'll own it. Not that I'm not afraid to admit it but that I'll get myself there, because honesty is important to me.
I fought really hard, just short of completely altering my life to keep fighting. That's been me a lot, too. Not trying to sound like a martyr (if it still sounds that way...oops), but I'm loyal and I know relationships take sacrifice and compromise. Being the go-with-the-flow type girl that I am, I tend to bend to whatever, let go of a lot of things (with some exceptions, of course), get trampled, even get neglected...All because I have this picture of that being what you do in relationship: give of yourself. And then give again. Which has helped me run into some doozies of relationship in which I value it more than the other person does.
I don't say all this to be melodramatic, or to paint a harsh picture of him - I say it as catharsis, as holding myself to the new direction, and as offering my story to anyone out there in hopes that they might learn and grow without having to go through it, too. Maybe they will anyways, but they'll know that it's survivable.
If there's one thing I've got going for me, it's been that I'm generally pretty resilient. Certainly it's a God-given thing, and not to my own credit. I have gone through some things in my life that I forget were my experiences because they're so far in the distance and didn't manage to hold me back. This, however, has been a time in my life I've been genuinely worried that I won't bounce back; that I'll be too scared to go anywhere near love again. However, my advice wouldn't be to guard your heart in that way you know I despise, rather it would be "protect yourself". If others won't protect you in how they treat you, and it's not done for the sake of your growth, that might be a sign you're taking one on the chin when you shouldn't. It's kind of like the phrase "throwing good money after bad"; all the self-sacrifice and fight in the world may not wake them up to the fact that you need them to come through and to fight. You also can't, and shouldn't, run from every relationship just because you get hurt sometimes. It's a fickle balance, whether or not to take one for love.
This was the first romantic relationship I've had to stop giving to, but I've had a handful of other very close relationships where I needed to walk away or stop investing, and I'm speaking from all of those. It doesn't get easier, just more recognizable. It doesn't get less painful, but feels a little like taking a breath because you blocked a punch. And it doesn't stop the love.
