When I think about the trajectory of my life, as a single person the horizon is far and the options expansive. In some respects I don't think it would feel the same if I wasn't single. Maybe that's because I know myself in regards to relationships, or maybe because it's just a reality.
Important relationships require limitations - I think that's why as a self-indulgent culture, we are so bad at them. The idea that one should have to sacrifice because they value relationship with another is just asking too much! Of course there's the flip side of that coin, and we have all probably been in that position in a relationship as well. When a relationship is imbalanced, there is an inevitable tipping point at which the inability for both parties to participate in give-and-take sinks the ship, so to speak. When one is really important, it will likely require some sacrifice, some compromise. We can always hope that we will receive the same in return, but there are limitations.
For as much as I get baby-fever sometimes (in all honesty), and it would be nice to be intentionally doing life with a man, the thought also scares me sometimes. They are things I want - to be a wife and a mother - but I have to throw cold water on my idealism. Reality check: it's not going to be picture perfect. I already have a hard time taking care of myself and everything that adult life requires of me! Then to be someone's emotional support, further someone's literal physical and practical support! Sometimes I wonder if that will ever be possible. I am pretty motivated by relationship, but it doesn't completely squelch my desire for my own passions.
There are things I have thought about that I can really only do now because I am essentially "not tied down." I hate that phrase, because it makes being with someone sound so negative...but it serves its purpose, I suppose. It's one of those things that some really honest married people will tell you to appreciate about being single. "You can do whatever you want." I guess within reason. I still have to pay my bills, and my rent is a little more expensive than if I shared a room with someone...which I definitely cannot do unless I really, really like them. I digress.
There is a silver-lining or two to being single, I'll give the taken ones that, but freedom can sometimes be a little overwhelming. It's a wonder that for so many marriage and having children is such a shock to the system. To go from precious non-work hours spent doing what you need, then what you want, to nurturing highly important relationships! The game changes, and the stakes are higher.
I have been thinking a lot lately about what I want to do and where I want my life to go. I have the space and the ability to pursue what I want, as those decisions only directly affect me. I can chase my dreams, and the direction I'm headed can slightly shift, or shift drastically. Right now, the options seem endless. Each one requiring its own amount of planning and effort. Each one resulting in a different outcome that will change the path by leading to yet another opportunity. There are so many things I want to do in my lifetime, and I know the really worthwhile ones I have done so far have taken time. It's as if, to some extent those have been my important relationships. I guess what I am really getting at here is priorities.
So I question, what do I want to make my next priority?
