As if life and relationship aren't complicated enough, there's this wily pressure to add marriage into the mix, or to be dating with it as an end-goal. I, like I'm sure many other girls, have my moments of pure panic, thinking what if I'm supposed to be doing something right now and I'm not, and then I'll be single forever! Fear of the unknown grabs hold and grips tightly. And while it's different now than the times where at my age I'd already be considered an old maid and a lost cause, there's still a function of society that strikes fear of singleness into our hearts; beyond the healthy desire for companionship.
It's a weird conversation to have, anything revolving around being single and the implication that you shouldn't be. Lately, I've come to terms with one thing about my love-life - or lack thereof: I'd rather be single than settle.
Most people can get behind that statement til they start asking questions. Well, what do you want? Which quickly can turn into, Well, good luck finding that! Exactly. Exactly. There's enough mess to this life and relationships in general, then to go adding in romance and quite possibly a family with someone that sort of meets what you need?
Now, believe me, I've read all the blogs and articles (and some pages of books before I got bored or annoyed), and I'm not saying I expect someone to be perfect! I'm so tired of that retort; I'm not nearly so naive. The people I love the very most in this life have all hurt me at some point, and I'd be surprised if I haven't hurt them. I'm not under some sort of illusion that I will find someone to match all my ideals, but I'm not about to throw them out the window, either!
I am also not naively referring to frivolous wants. I don't think having hobbies in common or even really shared interests is necessary; most of the good couples I know are vastly different in many ways. I like to think that's part of the excitement is learning about someone else's interests and expanding your horizons. But shouldn't certain things be immovable requirements? And can we please stop telling people that they need to leave those behind?! How desperately do we need to remove our singleness? If we weren't a society that held everyone to this unrealistic and unhealthy idea of incompleteness without a romantic relationship, maybe there'd be a little less pressure to take just anything.
This is all not to say that anyone isn't worth your while; that you're too good for anyone, but rather what is healthy for you and what do you need? Where are you at? Almost every time I've gotten frustrated and frankly bored of being single, I circle back to the conclusion that I'm actually okay with it because I still have a lot to figure out. No person is going to make me whole, or complete, or satisfy any unfulfilled part of my life. This is likely different in a secular mindset, so I guess if I even have any non-believing readers...disregard? Then again not, because the reality is that it is not healthy, no matter what your religious affiliations, for your identity to be revealed through the filter of one other person. But that's another rant for another time.
If anything, all I've ever seen from settling is heartache and identity crisis. I recently told a friend who was evaluating a dating relationship, if you have to say the words "we could make it work", it's probably not worth trying to. I think we have a tough time being honest enough with ourselves that we feel insecure being alone. That being alone requires us to walk into parties by ourselves, or have a Friday night with nothing to do, go stag to a wedding and risk sitting at the table while others dance. Rather, I think those moments build character; there's something to be said for learning that you have value for being yourself, without anyone else.
