Theme of the day: "The Struggle Is Real"

I have been so burnt out lately by my job and how little satisfaction I get from it, on top of how little I'm being used to my strengths. The reason I wanted to work with people is because I care about them, it motivates me to serve them in whatever way necessary. The part where I get tired comes in when I am empathizing, I am right there in their feelings...and then they proceed to chew me out. I'm a peon, why does no one understand this? It's not my fault, and this is not therapy.

Empathy, and being a people-first kind of person is a tough burden to bear in such a day and age. Try and argue me, but then I'm guessing you're not a people-first person, hence I'll likely disregard your invalid opinion. It's a hard burden to bear, and - though, less the older I get - I've often found myself at the end of a day, or the exit of a situation on the verge of tears. I feel it. This is something I love about myself that I have and will likely continue to battle criticism on in my life:

When someone I love (or even have remotely connected with) has a crisis, the first feeling I get is panic that they are hurting, or distressed, or in need. I don't think about my time, or my money, or what plans I had before this catastrophe reared its head - my heart hurts instantly.

All my life I've been told I'm too sensitive, that I need to think about others, and I need to grow thicker skin - to all of which I say: bull-shit. I am throwing the flag on that. Because even when I am at my wit's end of frustration from being drained, it's hard to know where I can go to just let off the steam and say my heart feels low - without being told to just buck up. Just for another second, I want to fight for the idea that caring about people and being sensitive isn't a weakness. I am so tired of being painted or perceived as weak because I care. I think it's a weakness not to care; to be so self-focused that someone else's problem doesn't deserve your time or an ounce of your understanding.

The thing about being this way in such a world is I know it's special; I wouldn't want to live with myself any other way. Don't take this to be some sort of horn-tooting (teehee) diatribe where I say "I'm awesome"...but I need to a little. I need to partially so that I can wake up and do it again tomorrow, and partially in the hopes that if you call someone with a job as shitty as mine, you might opt to treat them with the respect of a fellow human being, in the off chance that they do actually care that you're frustrated or annoyed.

I write this in part as catharsis (which I've become increasingly interested in), and in part to draw attention to the kind of people that help make the world survive. They're around you, probably burning out and getting lectured that they need to change their focus, notice them. Don't criticize them; appreciate them. There's something really insanely beautiful about caring - not about arguing, and not about bossing, and not about doing what one "should" do - just recognizing we're all humans and we all face struggles, and we need each other.

And therein lies one of my greatest struggles: holding onto an attitude of love and a heart of grace even when it's undeserved and I'm not shown either in return. I don't like myself when I can't bring one of those two with me to an interaction; I don't like myself when I'm putting me and my feelings over them and theirs. Sometimes there's a wall to hit, and it's a struggle.