I'm freezing. I'm eavesdropping. I like to sit at the bar so I can talk to people. Or listen to them. I come here (a bustling coffee shop) to write because usually it's one of few places I can manage to get anything done. Much like any other writer, "getting something done" is completely subjective and lacks any real meaning. I have a lot of ideas; things come and go, though whether I write them down or not seems utterly arbitrary. And I have this sort of blurry understanding of the cliche, I'd like to think at most I walk the line on it, but...then I use phrases like "walk the line".
Sometimes I think I could write endlessly, and might have a million things to say, inevitably all about nothing. Then I get to wondering if I'll ever write anything of significance; anything of merit. Writing just to write, while fantastic for my sanity, isn't what any writer necessarily aspires to. That's what my journal is for. When I was really young and just thinking about the phrase "What do I want to do with my life?" for the first time, I used to think I wanted to be a writer and that meant that someday I'd write a novel. Now that scares the hell out of me; what do I possibly have to tell the world that hasn't already been told? And in a way that doesn't just fall flat.
Writing is so accessible and encouraged nowadays, it's hard to know how to approach it. I could go the route of Stephanie Myers, write some crap fan-fiction that gets adapted to film and get rich in my lifetime...but I don't want to do that either. I mean, it'd be nice to actually make a living from writing, but that's a part of the dream that when you leave your ninth grade life-planning class, you realize is a hoax. Your life's work might not equate to paying your bills and where you spend your 40 hours.
There's a part of me, too, though that's not just jaded but wise in my view of "being a writer": it's not defining. I think that's freeing. When someone asks if I'm a writer, I always say "Sort of" or "Aspiring", or my favorite "That's such a lofty word". Same with photography. There's too much pressure to take that on, but if it's not defining, no one can know what to expect from me. My answer can be translated to, "Yes, I'm a writer but I'm still learning," or "Yes, I'm a photographer but I'm still learning." There is plenty that I don't know about how to be a successful writer, and thankfully I define what "successful writer" means to me.
I think in some ways, chronicling my life in my journal and this blog, are my success. Stretching the way I think, and see, and speak, are my success. Stopping to think, then to write is my success.
All this from sitting at the bar, drinking some tea.
