I've been spending a lot of time alone lately. Too much. I like myself alright, but more than ever it brings forth some realities I either have yet to come to terms with, or need to be reminded of. Mostly about how I view things, or what motivates me; those sort of things. I'm borderline self-obsessed (I say half-joking, kind of like how they say if you worry you're crazy then you're not...right?), so I think about these kinds of things whether or not I spend a lot of time alone. But unemployment...woof!
I do a lot of talking, thinking, writing; I am very into putting information out into the proverbial ether of theory, if you will. I tend to forget, or have to learn (and re-learn) some about the opposite. What do I think about holding my tongue? About silence? About not saying something just because I have something to say?
I've been self-teaching that not every thought or idea in my mind needs to be expended. It's a hard pill to swallow, but maybe not everything needs to be expressed. I might even be a healthier person if I learn how to not to express...my near-every-waking thought! In some ways, I think it's helped me focus a bit more, or so I hope it will. I worry I'll lose a little of the magic of bunny trails, but I might be one of few people who even likes those...(proof they're still there to be had.) But lately I have a lot of drafted blog posts; a veritable bone yard of paragraphs that urped out of my brain but really went nowhere when I remembered I don't have to say everything.
I realized all these expressions gestate in silence. I not only like silence; I need it. I forgot this, in a conscious sense. I know myself well enough to know I need meaningful interpersonal interactions, but silence usually falls by the wayside. Toward the end of my time in my last house, during the rare moments when no one else was home, I often found myself opting out of watching a movie, or even listening to music, - sometimes doing anything at all. Sometimes I'd get home from something, exhausting or exhilarating, and just bask in the quiet.
Now, there are times like my stint of unemployment where the silence feels like it breaks me. I start talking to myself...an embarrassing amount, which is anything more than a little bit. It's like forgetting that people can hear me, I've been alone so much! Usually at that point I will go to a coffee shop and sit on Pinterest, or to Target for an hour and buy nothing, just to feel like I'm with people (youngest of six much?). It's almost like going out just to make sure there wasn't some sort of apocalypse, and then I'm like, "Crap, there's no one left! Now what...?" Nonsense maybe, but it's how it feels.
The need to be around people is neither something new or forgotten about myself; it's always there in my peripheral like the nose on my face. But here I sell myself short by forgetting that, though I'm probably known more for freely talking, I actually love to listen. People are fascinating to me, and when I'm not in a vicious-cycle of feeling unsocial due to being a deprived extrovert (it's uncanny what it does to one), I really enjoy just being around people. I enjoy getting to figure out who they are, what they think about things, how they tick; get a different perspective. Shutting myself up and instead taking in is life-giving.
It is selling myself short because it is untrue to who I am. Like not going to to a party - I love parties - because I only know one person, or I'm alone...not like no one's ever met at a party! I forget that I like getting to know people, at all stages; ten-second interaction at the checkout, or hours-long talks with old friends. And as absurd as it is to think about, I let myself get scared.
Every time I catch myself in the aftermath of any of the aforesaid scenarios, I realize how ignorant I can be of how I work. Then I count myself thankful for the silences that drive me to leave the house, ones that give me space to contemplate, and the words of others instead of my own.
