I wrote this a few days ago before bed, in my whirly twirly thought pattern that carries on as I doze, so for what it's worth...
I feel like DTS set me on a whole different path; like I'm not who I was, but not all the changes are tangible or even observed yet. They're not bad, but I haven't learned how to handle them yet. I'm still figuring out how to live as I am. Trying to figure out, all over again, who I am. Who am I?
I constantly think back and feel like it wasn't real. Like I just watched that on a movie, or remembered it from an elaborate, but now patchy dream.
It's hard to pinpoint the changes, and if I can, it can be just as hard to pinpoint their origins - which is in my nature to try to do; analyze.
Talking in front of big groups is significantly less intimidating. I don't know that I need to live my whole life in Minneapolis. Vulnerability is for some reason more difficult. I don't completely hate being alone. I'm not nearly as scared of flying; twelve hours becomes nothing. I'm reevaluating where I will find my happiness. I'm deciding who's worth investing feelings in; and who may seem not worth it, but will be after a few free passes. I'm somehow much better at public speaking, though it's still rough. I don't get as scared of being in a situation with people I don't know, or of silence. I have a lot more courage and capability than I'd ever imagined.
I don't know where each of these came from specifically, and I don't think there's likely a single instance that invoked any of these. I don't know.
I feel, sometimes, like I barely even know that it happened.
Interesting enough, as I copy this from the notebook where I wrote it originally, I came across a list of the return culture shock we learned about on DTS. The * will serve to note that I feel I am experiencing this...symptom, if you will. (the rest I assure you, I have felt, but not all currently.)
*restlessness/rootlessness
*reverse homesickness
*missing people and places abroad
*boredom
*insecurity
uncertainty
confusion
*frustration
*need for excessive sleep
*change in goals or priorities
*negativity towards your own culture
*feelings of alienation or withdrawal (thankfully slightly letting up, at times)
feelings of resistance towards family and *friends
*anxiety
*grief for change in your life
Another interesting note from our talk about preparing to return home:
"You may just slide back in without acknowledgement" I definitely experienced my fair share of that, even in places I didn't expect.
I guess, - now I feel the need to wrap this up neatly - all this is to say that it was quite a journey I went on, as cliche as that sounds. And it takes a bit of recovering. Even after six months, I'm still figuring it out. Who I am, now.
