The engine wouldn’t turn. She must’ve tried nearly thirty times already. Just sputtering and coughing. Exactly the sort of thing she’d expect to happen to her. She slammed her head against the steering wheel, the horn echoed against the starry night sky. It didn’t matter anyway, there was nothing for at least a mile in each direction, except a highway to the north. Maybe, if she was lucky, someone would hear it. One of the many disadvantages she had noted when they were deciding where to buy a house. She hated it there so much. As they were driving to look at the house, the second they were far enough out she felt an ache. He liked the country, and since he always won, she found herself there.
She lifted her head, annoyed as she might’ve ever been in her life, - she wasn’t quite sure - and screamed. She screamed until her throat was raw. She pounded the wheel with angry fists until her hands were numb. Once the pain was gone, the pounding was no longer a channel for the anger and the hurt. How did she get into this mess? A better question how would she get out of it?
She wiped the tears, of which she was unaware, from her face. All this couldn’t be good for her, this anger and the screaming. Suddenly her head bowed so ashamed, so worried. It all came barreling down her at once; what would she do? She would make sure that she knew that he could’ve never loved her, and that it was the right thing to do. That it saved her life. That was the one thing that made her do it, she knew she wouldn’t last if she didn’t leave. What would she name her?
She was stalling, afraid to get out of the car. She might as well get out and walk with her eyes closed, it was so dark. She scrambled through the bag she’d thrown together before she left. She’d bring the handgun, and the flashlight…if she could only find the flashlight. To her relief there was one in the backseat, along with a quilt. It was from the night before when she drove into the middle of the field to look at the stars in silence as he slept off the last she’d see of his alcohol-induced fits, passed out on the front porch. One would think it was from the alcohol, but the man had a tolerance for liquor like a bull for gore. Doesn’t mean it didn‘t knock what little sense he had in him out. She had taken the frying pan as a precaution, a justified one at that. She knew how he got, and she was going to have to stand up for herself now, she was not ready to give up the one gift he’d ever given her. That was when she decided to leave, laying on the roof her eighty-nine station wagon, she realized she couldn’t give up now. It meant everything now. It wasn’t just her life that was at risk.
She took a few deep breaths. The country always scared her at night, it didn’t matter how many times she told him. He wouldn’t listen. Or maybe he did, he just didn’t care. That was more likely. She hadn’t been able to figure out the vendetta he had with her. She had been constantly trying to figure it out. She breathed in deeper still. Held it. She closed her eyes, and
slowly let it go. It’s time to get out. Getting out of the house wasn’t the only hard exit she’d
have to make. She grabbed the door handle trying to convince herself to do it quickly like tearing off a band-aid, but her hand didn’t budge. Then she proceeded to do something she hadn’t done in quite a while. She prayed.
She had been avoiding God for so long; she was angry with Him. She was raised with a bible next to her bed, she knew the great stories of God’s deliverance. She stopped believing that He cared a year and four months after the wedding, and tried denying His existence to no avail. Four months was when it started. She thought she knew he could be a handful sometimes, but she really had no idea. Being that good christian that she was, they didn’t live together before they were married.
When the reality hit her, it hit her hard, and square in the jaw. He hit her. He told her to shut up, forcefully, not kindly. Her heart shattered in that instant. She felt like everything she knew was a lie. Every night she prayed angrily. Every night she’d wait until he was out, and she would sob herself to sleep. After a year had passed from the first time and nothing had changed, she began to resent God. Promises that were never filled were all she ever knew, and He didn’t seem to change that either. He didn’t change anything. So she gave up on asking Him for anything.
She knew now, after four years He was still there. He doesn’t leave. She didn’t know why she had to wait so long. Why she was there for a year after the first time, let alone until their four year anniversary. She knew now. She knew she never wanted to be married again, she was far too broken to ever let another man into her life. She just needed to feel whole again. She knew now, because she found out that night. She was going to tell him that night, but he flew into a rage before she could get out the words. It was for the better that he didn’t know. She had her one life’s desire, living inside her; awakened.
She got out of the car with caution, making sure she had everything she needed. She shut the door, tucking the keys into the coat pocket. Her dad’s big, blue flannel jacket was perfect for the cold dry winters here. She sniffed the collar and missed him. He had this warm, musty dad-smell. He never touched a drop of liquor, probably would’ve never approved of the marriage in the first place. An absent man in her life wasn’t something she was unfamiliar with. She was always trying to win his affections, and he said she did, even though she knew better. A girl knows real love when she has it; the deciding factor of whether or not she turns out normal is how good she is at lying to herself about it. She’d never been good at that. She was hopeful, optimistic even, but not a liar and not a fool.
He did make it known that he was proud of her, for all that she had accomplished. Well that was her senior year of college, finishing out a degree she did nothing with since. She was only a lowly housewife who couldn’t even arrange the condiments in the fridge correctly.
She snapped out of it. It was beautiful. She could see every star in the sky, glistening in front of her like a private work of art. She felt so calm all of a sudden. It was a quarter mile from her car now that she sat down. She wasn’t tired, per say, just enthralled. Totally and completely captivated. She hadn’t felt that way since the trip she had taken to the mountains with her college boyfriend. The most beautiful place she’d ever seen. That was the one rural spot she would not mind living. In fact, they were going to.
She sat up, put her elbows on her knees. It wasn’t a place she could go again; she couldn’t bring herself to think about it again. She couldn’t loose sight of the drive that she had. She was determined. The highway wasn’t too much further, and yet it would be another hurdle to clear. She was so uneasy, and yet so peaceful at the same time. She felt the strength in her rising up. She was already quite astonished at herself, she didn’t know she had any strength, let alone the enough for all this.
** this is just it so far, but there is hopefully more to come. I might even change the title.
