I Like Punctuation But Fail A Punctuality

I have been avoiding my university email in-box since last week friday. I have a bit of a situation concerning my major and bunch of other crap, that had me sleeping very little friday or saturday nights. A majority of my life planning for the next 2 years was being dangled over a garbage can. I was freaking out just a little bit (sense the sarcasm? I do hope so).

I finally checked it, and there is a shred of hope that I won't have to push that little foot-pedal and toss my dreams on in...(following the metaphor still, I hope?). I've mainly been avoiding one email. A response to a very unpredictable professor that I wrote to "discuss" my grade (that I couldn't argue my way out of if I tried, but may have to try nonetheless). It's still sitting there. I have not yet the courage to open her response. She seems pretty nice, but she's also a former journalist...so there's that whole cut-throat, newsroom thing. I hate begging. And I don't condone lying, therefore...I'm fresh out of ideas, if she DOES even bother to meet with me!

And of course, this happens on one of the few times my mom goes out of town. The very day she left. The one person who I really count on to go to when I have a problem, who'll literally just listen and give me a hug. No forceful advice, or disappointment in me (because this is really my fault, and it's a major fail), - she just listens, and lets me hug her as many times as I want, for as long as I want, pretty much whenever I want. I am currently stressed, and not only that I am hug-deprived. If you know me well, you know the stress is only half of why I didn't sleep well those two nights.

Okay, I am going to bite the bullet. Here goes.

Untitled 5-22-09

May 22, 2009
Who is living their dreams?
Everyone but me,
It seems,
How much water can I tread,
Before it rises o'er my head?
Then I wonder,
How long can I hold my breath?
How many is too many times,
When cheating death?
This life isn't a game,
But if you don't have a name,
Backing what you do,
The world seems to see nothing in you,

I have to look at what I want,
And not care what they say,
But that means I have to figure out,
What I want,
Someday,

To be lost,
Is unacceptable,
To be found,
Is unbelievable,
To be open,
Is unpredictable,
To be stuck,
Is unbearable,

When will my feet again hit the trail,
For my soul is weary and my strength is frail,
I guess I can only hold my breath,
Til the moment is right,
To step off the branch and take flight.

Too Easy to Dream?

Is it too easy,
To even dream,
About you,
And how you'd seem,
So madly in love with me,
And I'd,
Stay by your side,
And hold your hand so tight,
And gaze into the night,

It's just too easy,
Why even dream at all?
When it builds my hopes so tall,
And nothing turns out how,
I dreamed about it now,
So why make my heart to break,
As it crashes in the wake of my,
Endless rushing streams,
Of already broken dreams?

Maybe . . . take a breather?

I'm wondering if maybe I'm just too young to care. Maybe I need to fall into a hole, and be pulled out first, before I can care. It makes me wonder, though, where is the line between freedom and recklessness? The line between apathy and refusing to be held down by fear?

I feel like I lack ambition, the only things I have ambition for are things that seem to be too much a fairytale to even bother thinking about. Now, even more so.

I want to change my mind, but something in my humanness tells me that people would judge me, and that that judgment would be too scary. But when it comes down to it, who cares? But that's what gets me into these messes in the first place, "who cares?".

I guess maybe I'm just too immature to make any kind of life decisions right now. Maybe I should just get a double major, some more education might set me right, right? Probably not. I feel like dropping out and becoming a nomad. I could contentedly work in a coffee shop for a few years, without many bills, it pays em.

No. I mean I really could be happy doing something like that, but it just reminds me that I do have at least one ambition. To be something more than I am, and to do it quickly. That might be my mistake.

Brain Mush Coma: A Finals After State

I am in the coma after state of finals. I always get that way, no matter the level of difficult (or lack thereof) in a semester. I get kinda zoney, and loopy. My brain takes a vacation for a bit. I start to say things that are even more stupid than my usual.

It's kind of nice though, because there aren't a whole lot of times when I can get my mind to just mellow out. This time is almost one of those times. Naps, and random tv, and the days after the end of a semester. When my brain downshifts from 5th gear, straight to 1st; it is beautiful. Relaxing.

I've been on an instrumental music kick, as of late. I just toss on my Pandora, and chill out, write if possible. It's so relaxing. I would've never thought 2 years ago I would like any kind of instrumental rock, but I love it!

I am looking forward to tomorrow. Cranking up the tunes, and cleaning my room! Baking some banana bread. A little bit of my take-home work...actually, all of it. Haha, that can be procrastinated on too.

I have so much to do tomorrow, and still a really packed week, but ahhhhh the beauty of the freedom from school! I am looking forward to it, letting my brain get mushy for a while.

Keane && Mat Kearney

Pretty much verbatim from my journal (kind of lazy, but oh well):

Carrie and I went to the concert yesterday, it was pure awesome! Talented musicians! First off, we got there at 6:15, doors open at 7, and show starts at 8. Totally worth statnding in the rain without an umbrella for. We were like 3 people back. The opening band was called The Helio Sequence. They were 2 guys and a computer; a drummer, and a singer-guitarist. They were good, mostly because they really played off one another, and coexisted I guess you could say (2 AM language, there), also they were definitely passionate about it. The drummer was weird though, he moved his mouth opened and closed like he was taking a huge bite out of something. I realized after one song that he reminded me of animal from the muppets. Eerily similar.

Then Mat Kearney came on! He was awesome as before, except this time i was MAYBE 25 feet away. Probably less. He played 6 songs from his first album, his latest single, and the rest were new. He played piano for "All I Need", and I swearing during it he and I locked eyes for like 20 seconds straight~ I kid not. I don't make this stuff up. I got at least one good pic of him looking right into the camera! So great. He was wearing what I think was a fedora. He's just a cute man, awesome musician.

Then, Keane came on and they were sick! I mean they just tore it up, on there. After the first song the main singer said it was good to be back in Minnesota, and that the crowd should just sing their hearts out. So everybody was singing along with him. He was totally feeding off the crowd, dancing around, offerring the mic to the crowd to sing the chorus on more than one occasion. He even came really close for us to take photos; I got a good one of him looking right into the camera, too! They were so much fun.

I am so fascinated with music and musicians because it is so awesome to me, and I can't understand it. I get the art of it, but not the science. The technicalities I can't get, but the passion I do. I think that mystery is part of what makes a concert so cool, the other part being watching somebody who is so passionate about it. It's cool to watch them literally play off one another, and figuratively harmonize. It's so great, the way they relate. Totally rocking out, and trying to read each others' vibes, and incorporate that sort of musical conversation they've got going.

So cool. Like I said, so fascinated with music. Love it.

Stupidity Looms

stupidity looms itself,
over my weary head,
recounting all the things i've said,
wondering what i've done wrong,
and if this is going to take long,
asking myself if i can do it,
and will it be worth it to go through it,
am i allowed to change my mind again?
what will it mean then?

if i don't know where i'm going,
but i know that for now i've stopped,
can i get back the ball i dropped?

i hate this fork in the road,
that's got me lost,
when i thought i was found;
i thought i was fine,

should i be buying time instead of killing it?
when i've got an empty head,
and none of this is filling it?

what am i doing here?
nothing right, - i fear,

what have i gotten into,
was i really listening to You?