Anything he can do i can do better...no really. The man was a total pot-head.

Miracle of God someone could become famous with a fried brain like that man, thus I've decided I too could become famous by propelling the words from my mind so fast that they may not even form cohesive sentences, call these word-vomit concoctions "Poetry", and get published. Hence, that is what this shall be subtitled,

"Word-Vomit Concoctions"
Dedicated to Margaret,
for always laughing with me.

~The literature of this day, is hairy monkey's urine.

~The happenings of onez brain circa3AM may cause chaos run amuck the yard of your duck.

~Fruit falls from tree, only if it groes on you.

~Cable calls as rain falls down walls of empty halls in busy malls

~You must always find your mother. Make haste!

~When the rain falls on the plain in the North of Spain a squirrel dies in your brain.

~Flatulence, is like the body's natural sigh, tears are like the bathing of the eye.

~If your mother was you, and you were me, and your sister too, then who would I be?

~Poker chips your teeth by the crack of your smile in the darkening while.

~A broken piano keys like stone breaking each bone more over the phone as it left alone.

~Jim is really Jan, but jan was once a man who drove fancy van while very tan.

~ Due to the movies, the sky will fall in 2010. It will be the die off all the men. Counting down to 2010, save your ponies until then.

life and death

I'm sitting here with you weighing death and life,
With all I know at the end of a knife,
And I ask of you is it worth all the pain,
When you finally watch it all swirl down the drain,
A beating, beating, beating in your head,
Convinces you that surely you are dead,
But if you'd simply open your eyes you'd see,
You can be everything you want to be.

Sitting here with you weighing life and death,
I'm trying to teach you to appreciate each breath,
You've wasted enough time not living up,
And spent not quite enough not giving up,
I want you to see what I see in you,
What you could be if you tried to,
I'd tell you if you hadn't locked me out,
Putting everything you had on one single doubt,
If you'd only asked, maybe I would've told,
Then it all would begin to unfold,
Then we wouldn't be here with a wall in between,
Wishing we could say what we mean.

I'm sitting here without you weighing a death,
Holding onto the pain with every single breath,
Although you are everywhere I can't feel you anymore,
Although you were everything you're not what you were before,
I can't see your eyes or ponder your face,
I can't bare to go back to that wretched place,
Someday these wounds will heal,
Then I'll be able to feel like some of this is real.

Waiting On You To Come Through

I'm sick of waiting on you to come through for me,
I'm tired of trying to be who everyone wants me to be,
I can't close my eyes without taking a deep breath,
I can't keep contemplating life and death,
I can't keep wondering what it is I've done wrong,
What I've done to deserve pain this strong,

I can't look into your eyes and ponder your face,
Without feeling the ache of disgrace,
I wonder what it is we've become,
Withered and lonely, selfish and numb,
I won't pull you up again,
I won't go back to how things were then,

Cause I'm sick of waiting on you to come through for me,
I'm tired of trying to be who everyone wants me to be,
I can't close my eyes without taking a deep breath,
I can't keep contemplating life and death,
I can't keep wondering what it is I've done wrong,
What I've done to deserve pain this strong,

Maybe I'll never get a chance to tell,
You exactly what I've wanted to yell,
You took advantage of me, and I,
Never understood long enough to cry,
Maybe you'll never know that you,
Made it all true,
Never stopped me when you wanted to,

And I'm sick of waiting on you to come through for me,
I'm tired of trying to be who everyone wants me to be,
I can't close my eyes without taking a deep breath,
I can't keep contemplating life and death,
I can't keep wondering what it is I've done wrong,
What I've done to deserve pain this strong,

You said you cared and you even shared,
And what you said scared every part of me,
Cause at the heart of me, I could start to see,
That this was going to be, this was bound to be,
Something complicated that was always fated,
To be one of a kind,
A love long lost in the shadows of the blind,

I'm done waiting on you to come through for me,
I've never been what you wanted me to be,
I'll always take a deep breath when I close my eyes,
As every part of me gives in and sighs,
I'll always wonder what I've done wrong,
And I'll always carry the pain that made me strong.

** This didn't turn out exactly as planned, but for now it's good enough**

It's been far too long for ME to not have posted

I've gotten quite sick of people treating me poorly lately. I don't think there's any cause for it, unless of course I am a jerk to them first, but in said situation I'd prefer a notification as to my behavior. Which brings me to another point, maybe this is just me but I find it hard to believe people don't notice when they're being total jerks. When someone's being that way to me, one of the first things that pops into my head is "Don't you see how mean you're being?".

I've been getting really fed up with people being inconsiderate as well. I'm not trying to say I'm perfect and don't piss of my fair share, but I'd like to think I try my darnedest to be considerate. Sometimes people really appreciate it and couldn't be more thankful, other times they use you because they know you can't say "no". The reason it sucks most, is because there's a certain level of consideration I think everyone deserves, hence I think I deserve it as equally as my neighbors on this messy spinning ball we call home; the reason it sucks most is that not everyone else believes that consideration is deserved by all, or even most. It sucks because no matter how considerate I try to be to someone (even despite an anger towards them), they can't seem to muster up the guts and shove down the pride long enough to show me a little.

On top of all that, something that's really been on my mind is time. Not in the typical way it's been probably more than once before, in the sense of quality time spent with loved ones. I can't understand how one can possibly maintain an important, vital relationship with another, without giving them any of their time. It goes something like this: you can tell me you love me as much as you want, but that means nothing if I never see you, or even hear from you to know you're still alive. If nothing else at least that, cause for as much as I'm an optimist that's when the pessimistic fears rise up in me and wonder what's wrong.

I just think there's no excuse, love is about sacrifice so if that means getting up earlier, staying up later, driving halfway across town, or even doing something you're afraid of and absolutely hate...I'll do what I have to for the people that matter to me.

A Perplexed Afterthought

I want to,
But I can't,
I hope that something comes to mind,
But it doesn't,
And so,
I find myself lost in a flow,
Of the words that emerge into thought,
In some strange place of wandering wrought,
Spare no time for technicalities,
Dive right into the harsh realities,
Spin this thing til I see what way is up,
Turn it inside out til each day is up,
Going over, and over the same old things,
Tearing it apart until my heart stings,
... and I stop,
I feel my hopes drop,
I slap myself in the face,
Yell "Get out of this place",
I try to find a way through this maze,
So I can finally set this memory ablaze,
Why can't I let go,
And just let the tears flow,
Why can't it be gone,
So that I can move on,
I know it's good for me,
And the reality I can see,
Still I can't get myself free,
And I'm stuck in this place,
Where I can't get a grip,
And I can't seem to trace the outline of my future,
No matter how hard I try or what I do,
I don't think I'll ever forget you.

Losing Time

I'm losing time, 

The more I hold on, 

The more I feel like I'm already gone, 

Days fly by, 

 Even minutes and hours, 

With each that passes, 

This life sours, I can feel it rot all around me, 

Reminders of mortality and death surround me, 

The fears and doubts continuously pound me, 

Can nothing happen anymore to astound me? 

I look straight into a blue sky, 

And all I can do is wonder why, 

What does it matter, 

If a life begins to shatter, 

If a heart proceeds to break, 

Will it even leave a wake? 

If it all were to crumble, 

Who would hear the echoing rumble? 

We'll all be lost to it someday, 

What then will we have to say, 

What then will mean each day, 

Each hour, 

Each minute, 

What value then will be in it?

I miss college?

Have I mentioned lately how excited I am to start the rest of my life? Like, now. I'm even excited for the next semester at Normandale. NORMANDALE! I just want to get on with, having things to do and being busy. I don't like summer unless every minute is filled with something interesting and i can't always think of interesting things to do...and i can't get the hours i want at work to fill some of this boring time.

I really want to go to Paris in the spring (which i'm putting off so much that I think now it might not happen) and i'm excited to go to the U of M after that. I'm excited to be completely lost in life once i get done with school. "Done with school". I might cry when i hear those words. I don't think i believe it for at least 2 years after i'm done. I feel like that phrase is a lie, i'll never be done. Just like i know i'll never make money. I mean, i'll make money, but the whole theory on having a college degree, in anything at all will translate into money...doubtful. I think it will translate into years of debt, and waiting until i'm 35 to buy a house.

Those are just the worries of my mind, never mind those for now.

Nevertheless, i'm excited to see where life goes. Graduating is like getting over a hill. I feel like i'm sitting at the bottom, which is also the bottom of another very large hill...that i'm avoiding plotting how to get over. I need to plot, but not enough of me really cares enough to start. Ugh! planning. I just want it to happen, i don't want to make it happen. That's not good.

Hmmmph. I should figure this out. I'm excited to see where God takes me, too. Cause i already feel like these past years so much was mapped out and set for me to do, and so much growing happened over these years; college, well it's something i insist on finishing, and i feel like it's a lot more time for God to work on me, even whilst I accomplish this crazy, insane, STRESSFUL obstacle course. College is a giant obstacle course of no sleep and a lot of work.

... but i miss it? ...

I confuse myself. A lot. I think a big part of my urge (that one goes out to Sara) to get on with the rest of my life came from my realization the other day that I can't do this forever. I can't be a barista forever, i've already done it for a year and 3 months...it's already a lot. And i love my job, i really do. I'm just interested in seeing where I can go with Photography. What i can do and see and experience. I think it's an field that can help me see the world. I'd be perfectly content making coffee table books for the rest of my life. Rome, Spain,...Canada; all of it. Any of it. Except Antarctica, i have absolutely no desire to go there.

I want to see people too. That's why i'm considering photojournalism. I like that style and technique. I love people! I don't like a lot of people, but i like watching and studying people. Our behaviors and habits are interesting. I'm even excited to meet new people, i'm never excited to meet new people.

That's one of the things that excites me so much about traveling; the idea that there are 6 billion people in the world. When you live in a country that is so enamored with itself, in a town of the same 87,000 people...now don't get me wrong, that's a lot of people right there. But that means there's billions out there yet to meet. Yet to discover. That's a crazy idea to me! It's almost as if i don't believe they exist. Never leaving my country, barely ever leaving my state anymore (BORE ME), i'm ready to see it all with my own two eyes. Drink in the beauty of this world.

In conclusion, (to use a little transition from comp class,) i have that sort of light hearted feeling and trust in God right now. I have a lot of ideas about the rest of my life, but it's all so up in the air right now and i'm really okay with that. I'm really okay with not knowing everything is happening a certain way. I'm okay with having had ...oh, i don't know approximately 9 different plans as to the next 3 years of my life, which i then flaked out on. God's got it figured out, and i can deal with waiting for his surprises.