The people who were there first & will be there still

I just got to thinking yesterday how I'm really annoyed with some of my friends and family members who start dating someone and drop everyone else. I don't think they realize how much it hurts to be that person that gets dropped faster than a hot cup of coffee. It sucks because it's like you're one of the people that was there first, you were there when there was no man. Now that there is one, you become lower on the priority level; now that there is one, you aren't important enough to make time for, or you'll understand because you're just that understanding. It's funny, cause if someone thought that about me (that i'd be that understanding) they'd have to be crazy! There's no way I would ever understand that mentality - no way! It's unfair because whether or not the couple makes it, you'll be there in the end waiting like the dog at the door at the end of the day: even though you got left behind, you're still there ready for your one-on-one time. Part of me tells me that it will fade, it's just the "honeymoon period" essentially. Once the complete infatuation for one another dies down, some time will free up. It's probably a stupid lie I tell myself just to get this thinking to stop. Maybe that's how it is when you find the right person, maybe no one else is important and maybe I'll be that way...but I hope and I pray, that if that's not the way it is, but that's the way I am, I hope & pray someone snaps me out of it.

*If you think this note is directed at you, it may well be...but not just you, don't flatter yourself!*

P.S. I know 2 people (that i appreciate) who are doing things right!

High on Tired

So last night, bethany david and i decided to stay up really late (well at least some of us were up...lol) and we got super tired and giggly. It was so much fun and it's been a long time since sitting around doing nothing was that much fun! We just laughed and talked about everything and laughed some more, we enjoyed a fire and it was cool to be stress free. It seems like i'm always worried about school or something, there's always something weighing on me but there wasn't last night. It was just free and fun and we enjoyed ourselves and then slept hardcore!

Love you david and be!!

Don't believe in "luck"? Let's call it a blessing then

I was writing my paper for photo class (yes that's right: photo class) about my brother's tour of duty in Iraq this past year. I've been reminiscing about it a lot, not that I think that's the right word for it but just remembering a lot of things about him leaving, being gone, and returning. There are movie replaying over and over in my mind. Some make me cry from the pain that still lingers, and others, from pure joy. I just keep thinking about how lucky I am that my brother came back, unharmed. I know luck isn't the right word, it's a blessing. Odd as it is to say, his nine month tour in one of the world's most dangerous places was a blessing. He probably got to see a side of me that he never had through my letters and I realized how important family is to me.

Before his tour, I would think Joe was the least connected to me out of all my siblings. We didn't even really have a history like I at least did with all my other siblings. After this, I truly appreciate him and cherish him, I hold him so near to my heart and thank God so much that he came home safely. I guess that's our history.

It's funny because back when he went to boot camp when I was in eighth grade, we went down to Great Lakes Chicago to his graduation. His wife (then fiance) obviously gave him a big hug because it had been -I can't remember- six weeks (?). And I waited my turn when my mom said "You know something, Joe...it's odd but do you know who missed you the most?" and He looked intrigued, "Alicia." she said, "She just kept saying, 'It's weird but I really miss Joe'."

It's funny because I did, but didn't know why. This time around (for his deployment) I missed him like crazy, wrote him tons of letters and talked to him on the phone about random things for what little time I could possibly steal.

I love to replay the memory of my realization that he was walking up our lawn and our hug where I practically tackled him. Although the day he left Minnesota was the worst of my life, I guarantee that the day he returned was one of the best!

Holding Doors . . .

It was the sweetest thing, I was rushing out of Normandale today to go to work, i was already late and felt bad for all the times I've taken advantage of my bosses' leniancy (sp?). I had been developing photographs in the lab, and had grabbed my portfolio and stuffed my pictures in there.

I was headed for the main door and the parking lot. As I came up behind this guy was going through the door in front of me, he looked back to see if there was anyone to hold the door for - sort of out of habit, I could tell, just as I walked through behind him. Then it was about to be awkward, I predicted, as he was going to let me go ahead of him through the next door, but to my relief reached to hold push open...despite the fact that I visibly had an available hand.

It just seemed so sweet to me, it was a very sincere thing to do. I'm not suggesting he thought I was attractive therefore did that or anything of that matter, just that it was nice. I love it when guys do that and not just to be that way, to be that guy. When they do it just to because.

I'm a Bad Person

So i'm pretty sure I'm a bad person...ya wanna know why? Well of course you do, you opened this note didn't ya? Hehe, i went to go rent a movie for ma mere (my mom) et moi (and me) to watch since mon pere n'est pas ici. I had missed driving most out of any activity I was deprived of whilst on my trip. Well on my way home, i was trying to fish-tail on my turns cause...let's face it - it's fun! I decided to take a couple laps around our neighborhood. I got some fish tailing in on the street north of ours, then i decided to hit up the one south that has a very sharp turn, that one i totally spun out on, did a 540! It was pretty much amazing...and sinful, jk. I don't know about that part. So i just kept driving around, attempt to slide or spin, whatever happened - happened. It was a good time and I sure enjoyed myself take corners at 20mph when there's this level of snow out, you're bound to slide or something! There's only one problem: i'm addicted.

Beauty in the Breakdown

Last night I had some majorly needed talk time with God. I had some things (many things, more than those of which you know) I needed to pray about, I needed God's counsel and comfort. I just wrote out some things and still felt pretty crappy, not having gained the relief which I was hoping for. I asked God to break me down, to bring me back to who I am, and only leave my love for Him. I wanted him to wash away the dust and dirt, to fix my broken heart, to take away the hurt...afterwards felt nothing.

I did however, like the little quote from Chuck Swindoll that was at the top of the page that day in my prayer journal. It always has lots of helpful quotes at the beginning and end of the writing spaces. It clicked that I should use it as a reference when I had to lead prayer (candle time) at youth group this coming sunday. I hadn't figured out what I wanted to do - I just knew I wanted it to be different, different than the norm.

So I went back through the pages which I had already adorned with the words of my heart that flowed from my pen. I discovered a few more quotes that I wanted to share with people when I lead prayer. I decided to read what I had been writing about when I came across a literal list of things i had prayed for. I regularly amuse myself and therefore, I wanted to read this. I kept reading all the entries.

It was amazing to come accross slowly but surely, more and more answered prayers. Well of course, all prayers are answered, but answered 'yes' or blessings given. I had been praying all through last spring for God to send me some better friends because my friends at school weren't fufilling like others I had in the past and some friendships were fading. I had been praying that the money for REACH would come through, my parents had forked over a significant amount already and I didn't want to burden them more. I later on had been praying about my mother and my search for a car for me - that was very difficult and stressful!! Of course I had been praying regularly for His safety for joe, protection over him as promised in (Psalm 91:5). I had been praying for the hurt on my heart that I had lead myself to, that I let happen.

All of those prayers were answered, sure enough on God's time...according to his will, but they were answered! All the money for REACH came in and overflowed (Psalm 23:5). Reach was an amazing time which I also forgot to mention that I prayed about A LOT! I befriended margaret - margaret befriended me, whichever way it went, that's when we started to hang out. Ever since we've been SUPER tight, she is a total answer to prayer, and discovering that i prayed so much about that made me just cry. My finding the right car! Me and fitz were meant to be, it was always meant to be. When that car came down the assembly line somewheres in Japan in the year of 1994 (it's a 95), God was making it (via some person) knowing that it would be mine in the future...hehe. Obviously, Joe making it home was probably a tie for the best answer to prayer! And I finally gave the broken pieces of my heart to God, letting him put it back together again.

All those most important of my prayers were answered. Seeing that and all those things becoming clear to me just broke me down. I laid my face in my hands and just spoke to God, half under my breath, half out loud. I just sat there and poured my heart out to him more truly than any time before, more trusting than ever before. As I was praying, face-in-hands, I could not even feel the tears that were flowing endlessly from my eyes. I didn't know until a pause I took after a long while to look up, and all this water was on my hands. It didn't feel like I was crying, but there were these tears; sitting in my hands, rolling off my hands. It's like all the pain I was feeling, all the anxiety I was pouring out to God didn't even hurt at that moment - I didn't feel the tears, didn't feel the pain. God gave me that, he knew I needed a good cry and could not even bring it on myself...he brought it on. He broke me down just like I had asked him to do in my written prayers earlier that night. There was an absolute beauty in the breakdown!

Colorado!

I really have been missing colorado! For a long time now! I was looking at my sister Danielle's friend's myspace, from colorado. She had a photo of her in front of the mountains and they are just soo amazing!! FOR REAL! I've had this longing just to go there and experience it! Maybe i could talk Danielle into going out there with me. I just want to go back and see all that nature has to offer. Those mountains are just about the most amazing thing you will ever see.

The best part is when you're driving through Boulder (i believe) the mountains are humungaloude and they surround you. It's indesribably amazing, and so much a sign of God in this world. I MISS IT!! Oh and Teluride isn't half bad either, if ever you get the chance, take the gondala thingers up the mountainside! Gorgeous!


We went I think 3 years in a row? somewhere around that amount and there were so many good memories and beautiful sights to see. I just want to roadtrip out there and jam out to music the whole way. Go see some stupid tourist attraction (or possibly a cool one). Maybe i'll live there someday, it's one rural state that i wouldn't mind so much i think. It's just so wonderful, but then again i haven't experienced a colorado winter...hmm. Problematic.

I think i'll go...it's basically been decided. I'm going to colorado souly/solely whatever it is, to see the mountains. THat's it, then when i've seen enough of them, from as many different angles as one could imagine, i'll come home.

So i lied i may hit up wyoming again too...hehe