Last night I had some majorly needed talk time with God. I had some things (many things, more than those of which you know) I needed to pray about, I needed God's counsel and comfort. I just wrote out some things and still felt pretty crappy, not having gained the relief which I was hoping for. I asked God to break me down, to bring me back to who I am, and only leave my love for Him. I wanted him to wash away the dust and dirt, to fix my broken heart, to take away the hurt...afterwards felt nothing.
I did however, like the little quote from Chuck Swindoll that was at the top of the page that day in my prayer journal. It always has lots of helpful quotes at the beginning and end of the writing spaces. It clicked that I should use it as a reference when I had to lead prayer (candle time) at youth group this coming sunday. I hadn't figured out what I wanted to do - I just knew I wanted it to be different, different than the norm.
So I went back through the pages which I had already adorned with the words of my heart that flowed from my pen. I discovered a few more quotes that I wanted to share with people when I lead prayer. I decided to read what I had been writing about when I came across a literal list of things i had prayed for. I regularly amuse myself and therefore, I wanted to read this. I kept reading all the entries.
It was amazing to come accross slowly but surely, more and more answered prayers. Well of course, all prayers are answered, but answered 'yes' or blessings given. I had been praying all through last spring for God to send me some better friends because my friends at school weren't fufilling like others I had in the past and some friendships were fading. I had been praying that the money for REACH would come through, my parents had forked over a significant amount already and I didn't want to burden them more. I later on had been praying about my mother and my search for a car for me - that was very difficult and stressful!! Of course I had been praying regularly for His safety for joe, protection over him as promised in (Psalm 91:5). I had been praying for the hurt on my heart that I had lead myself to, that I let happen.
All of those prayers were answered, sure enough on God's time...according to his will, but they were answered! All the money for REACH came in and overflowed (Psalm 23:5). Reach was an amazing time which I also forgot to mention that I prayed about A LOT! I befriended margaret - margaret befriended me, whichever way it went, that's when we started to hang out. Ever since we've been SUPER tight, she is a total answer to prayer, and discovering that i prayed so much about that made me just cry. My finding the right car! Me and fitz were meant to be, it was always meant to be. When that car came down the assembly line somewheres in Japan in the year of 1994 (it's a 95), God was making it (via some person) knowing that it would be mine in the future...hehe. Obviously, Joe making it home was probably a tie for the best answer to prayer! And I finally gave the broken pieces of my heart to God, letting him put it back together again.
All those most important of my prayers were answered. Seeing that and all those things becoming clear to me just broke me down. I laid my face in my hands and just spoke to God, half under my breath, half out loud. I just sat there and poured my heart out to him more truly than any time before, more trusting than ever before. As I was praying, face-in-hands, I could not even feel the tears that were flowing endlessly from my eyes. I didn't know until a pause I took after a long while to look up, and all this water was on my hands. It didn't feel like I was crying, but there were these tears; sitting in my hands, rolling off my hands. It's like all the pain I was feeling, all the anxiety I was pouring out to God didn't even hurt at that moment - I didn't feel the tears, didn't feel the pain. God gave me that, he knew I needed a good cry and could not even bring it on myself...he brought it on. He broke me down just like I had asked him to do in my written prayers earlier that night. There was an absolute beauty in the breakdown!
