Not long from now, I turn 30. I'm at a place in my life where making new friends is hard enough, let alone the thought of trying again to find a life partner – I don't want to. I'm at this point where I just want to be known. In my early 20's, I loved the life of meeting people constantly and having a lot of brief encounters, finding that the world is full of people to be known and opportunities to have fun. I had so much fun! I knew so many people, just a little bit – which tends to be enough for the good times. I was also constantly learning about life, able to experience it to the fullest in any given moment.
I'm not scared of turning 30, I've sort of been looking forward to it. But for the past couple years I've been feeling the change that comes at this time. It's harder to make friends. It's harder to meet people, let alone people who share your values and your humor and your interests. The people you know are harder to spend quality time with.
As I struggle to begin adjusting to being single again, I can't help but think of how disinterested I am in the get-to-know-you process, particularly teaching others about me and certainly not investing in others only to find out there's a barrier. And I would love more friendships but I want to skip to the comfortable part; to the depth. I don't want to be single forever (and now there's my eggs to think about, thanks 30's), but the thought of wading through profile pictures, trying to sum myself up in a limited amount of characters, getting ghosted from chats and dates, nearly being taken advantage of, and wondering if I'm "their type", if I'll be good enough...
Not to mention, I work hard in relationships. I think a lot about them. I want them to thrive. I want to feel free to be myself in them. In the past few years, I've narrowed my focus to a few close friendships that feed me and give me life. But it's the nature of things that the older you get, the less time we have for one another. So the loss of an intimate relationship at this stage of life is especially challenging. I find myself facing all these questions about the future that I can't possibly know the answers to; I don't bother to try, except that they are my constant, nagging companions in my solitude.
I know I'm past the age where the brief encounters give me life, or where I can convince myself there's a lesson or a purpose; what I want is to be known and to go deep. I'm past the point in my path where I'm hopeful about going back to a stage that was once fun and exciting, that now seems dreadful and hopeless.
And it's not that I need any convincing, it's that I've gotten to know myself better year after year. The past few have been hard, and I know that I am still burnt out. And I thought I'd found my person so I don't want to fill their space. Nor do I believe I could.
Not to mention, I work hard in relationships. I think a lot about them. I want them to thrive. I want to feel free to be myself in them. In the past few years, I've narrowed my focus to a few close friendships that feed me and give me life. But it's the nature of things that the older you get, the less time we have for one another. So the loss of an intimate relationship at this stage of life is especially challenging. I find myself facing all these questions about the future that I can't possibly know the answers to; I don't bother to try, except that they are my constant, nagging companions in my solitude.
I know I'm past the age where the brief encounters give me life, or where I can convince myself there's a lesson or a purpose; what I want is to be known and to go deep. I'm past the point in my path where I'm hopeful about going back to a stage that was once fun and exciting, that now seems dreadful and hopeless.
And it's not that I need any convincing, it's that I've gotten to know myself better year after year. The past few have been hard, and I know that I am still burnt out. And I thought I'd found my person so I don't want to fill their space. Nor do I believe I could.
