Sometimes I wish I could pull a Dorothy: click my heels together and go back to a simpler time. I'd go back years ago, to when I'd never had a relationship before and didn't really know what it was like; back to when my faith rose up to life's challenges; back to a time when my feelings were big but it was sort of expected.
Nearly eight years ago was one of the toughest times of my life. I felt such deep pain, I thought if I weren't alive that would be the only thing to relieve it — thankfully time would, though I didn't know. This past year I went through another such pain, though romantic not platonic. As I trudged through, day by day, I quietly thought the same thing but dared not to tell anyone for fear of being committed.
When I was younger and went through hard things, it was different. The emotions that came with everything at 19 years old were more acceptable. Sure, now that I'm an adult I know how to manage my emotions better, but that doesn't mean heavy pain gets any easier. On the contrary, as an adult there's a job you go to so you can pay the bills that don't wait for time to pass for you to heal. As an adult, you have to squeeze your feeling into the free space in between it all.
I began this year thinking it would be "my year", whatever that even means. And here I find myself tired. Nearly daily battling anxiety. Feeling the slow creep of apathy because nothing really feels good. Nothing's really going well. It all feels...hard.
I worked toward a financial goal last year that has me the most independent I've ever been. So it's ironic that as I finally feel like I'm settling into adulthood, I long for that time before, when things were so easy. When I first moved to the city, all the days spent biking around and goofing around. I spent my days pining after guys who worked at coffee shops, yearning for a boyfriend, for love. I had no idea how much love would hurt me; not a clue in the world how much relationships would teach me about pain. I expected love to build me up, not weaken me. I didn't know how hard it would be to walk away. I didn't know what it would be like to try not to loose it at your desk. I always thought love would be important, I just didn't know it would be because there's so much risk.
When you break a bone, even long after it heals, a cold front can bring about aches. Right now, life feels like a lot of the aches. I find myself nostalgic for the simpler time, before I had the scars I do, before I was tired.
Dorothy clicks her little heels together, repeating, "There's no place like home, there's no place like..." and you watch with a swell of hope. And I guess that's what I want, to be able to find my way back to a place of hope.
