A goal I set out with in my writing is to engage what I consider to be a personal strength: vulnerability. As I've spent my entire life learning and yet striving to reject, vulnerability isn't just scary to engage in for yourself but it scares others to see you engage in it. So I have pushed back against the shame I've often received for my openness, because, as Brene Brown would agree, there is power sharing in my story. Even knowing and believing that to be utterly true, I struggle against shame and judgment for being willing to be open and raw with my story.
That's the pattern I noticed throughout a handful of posts I read through, and oddly I'd been pondering the last couple days after receiving criticism yet again: I tend to feel pressure to apologize for my openness, as if it's something to be ashamed of. That simply isn't true.
The truth is more likely that others feel a sense of fear and shame at their own stories; an inability to share openly themselves. I also realized that often the critics are the ones who allow few people to get close to them, are often unwilling to admit when they're wrong or they've messed up, and spend more time critiquing the lives of others than truly engaging in relationship with them. The irony is I find that expressing the sometimes gritty, ugly, or messy reality of my life levels the playing field and opens others up to trust me. And yes, there's a risk that vulnerability will only provide relief without reciprocation of trustworthiness - which again, ironically, is what critics are afraid of and yet perpetuate in doing just that!
So, what have I been learning as I toil and wrestle through the shaming for being open and vulnerable and messy in a public space (which as a writer is an acceptable, even expected practice)? I do not have to internalize someone else's fear of vulnerability, or judgment of mine, as truth. Because the truth is I desire to be known; I don't fear it. My hope - and experience - is that being comfortable or brave in sharing honestly about my life will give others the courage to feel at home in their skin, if not to follow suit. Maybe if more of us would pursue honest tellings of our experiences, we could be more whole people; unafraid to be human and messy.
I've often said you can learn a lot about me from reading my blog. If you read this blog often or from time to time, thank you for taking in my stories and taking time to know me a little better.
