For many years, and particularly when I was in my late
teens, I’ve been told that I do not seem my age; but older, usually by several
years. When I think back on when my introspective stage began – if it can be
called a “stage” – I think of myself as the same as I am now. I don’t disregard
that I’ve learned things in, say, the five almost-six years I’ve been blogging,
let alone the many years journaling. Rather, that I’ve adapted in character.
And if I consciously think about six years of life passing and leaving the
teens behind, becoming a legal drinker, a college graduate – it makes perfect
sense, but for some reason I thought I was this stagnant person, namely one who
had arrived. How ignorant was I, for being so-called mature?
Funny, that for all my introspection I happened to miss
these subtle changes in me over time. Probably thousands of pages of journals,
hundreds of thousands of typed words on blogs and hundreds of poems written,
and I miss it.
After a few weeks back from my six months abroad, (which
I wish I could affix a title to that would properly summarize it,) a coworker
who was also good friend told me, “You seem different, Losier.” I feel
the same; I think I am the same, I thought to myself, feeling almost
defensive. “Really? Like how?” …please, fill me in because somehow I’ve
missed this drastic change!
All this time I thought that I was consistently one
person, but thank God I was wrong! I spent some time recently reminiscing by
reading over old blog posts. I could see changes in myself by the way that I've
written; both in content and style. There are things I was working through, or
desiring to see come to pass or change, and they have.
It's one of the reasons I love writing so much, even though I know how little all these words are read...it chronicles the changes and seasons in my life. It's something I'm greatly in favor of, sharing life experiences - for whatever they're worth - with others, in the off-chance that they might find themselves encouraged or challenged...or inspired. There's got to be a benefit to being so overly cognitive...
But it's just a reminder to me, that even being heavily introspective, we can misinterpret our own selves. Our self-perceptions can be so far different from how we actually are; and for some, who we actually are.
All this to say: there's importance in recognizing the places we've come from; the dreams we've seen come to fruition, the things we're still longing for. There is value in stopping to survey where you're at, and admire the distance you've come. Beauty lies in the growth, even the days, weeks, months, and maybe years of struggle that often come with growing pains. A big part, for me, of knowing myself is to acknowledge who I've been and who I am. To see that they are the same person, and yet so different.
Those chronicles map out the developments of how we operate today, and sometimes that can make navigating the things that lay ahead, so much easier.
