Lately, God has been teaching me a really heavy lesson. This lesson is one that I thought I'd already understood and grasped, not that I needed to be taught yet. I am starting to see that I was wrong, and I had only a part of the picture. He's been teaching me about His love.
Being a self-proclaimed highly-introspective person, I've always thought of myself as one who loves big. And until recent years of being burned [what I considered] one too many times, I sort of loved with abandon. My heart would just crash into the someone, or so I thought.
I went through a couple of really important friendships, - important both in retrospect knowing what I do now, and important because they were just that - and have only recently come to the realization that I have been shying from seeking the deeper connections that I once so loved. In many situations I've found myself avoiding interactions I would normally throw myself into without a thought for the sake of the possibility, now scared of the chance that I'll invest and get myself hurt.
Get myself hurt.
And this is something I've been coming to understand. See, God has been teaching me about how He loves. The way I love is not a full picture of His own, and I was prideful enough to think that. He has put people in my life that haven't been easy. He's put them there, drawn our paths together, and challenged me. People who like different things than I do. People who communicate differently than I do. People who I wouldn't normally agree with. People who don't see what I see in their self. People who don't believe truth, - indubitable truth about their worth and place.
And weave together. Then there's this feeling. This sense of just how great it is that this individual is unique; that all of the characteristics and talents that go together in them, are not found in anyone else. Ever. And I just feel like they are this gem. I'm overwhelmed. And then God tells me, This is my heart, not your own; this is how I love. And I have this realization: my love is broken, your love is broken; His love sees through all the crap that distracts us, and the stuff that's not crap, but we see it that way.
Then comes the realization of how it must feel. When I'm so overwhelmed all I can do is cry, or try not to - depending on where I am, or how I feel in that moment, or who's watching and might judge me for feeling things too real. How it must feel to be rejected. How it must feel to have someone not care, when you tell them you love them. How it must feel to watch someone betray their talents for get-rich-quick or ten-second happiness. Then my heart breaks all over again.
This is how He loves. How constantly must His heart be broken? How often must He be beaming and joyful before slashed by the sting of rejection? This is how He loves. We can never fully understand, but we get pieces and portions.
I just try to think of the greatest love I have and the greatest love I receive; and this is how He loves.
