Your Speech

I am invincible
When I speak truth
I think
I am impervious
When I hear lies
I think
My ears ring at every single thing
That you said before I walked away,
Always two steps forwards and one back
On days like today,
When you don't want to listen
You just want to say
Spit words of senseless fear
Never coming near
Any shred of truth or hope
And make me out to be the dope
Stars in my eyes
I apologize for believing in something better
Believing that He can go and get her
Set her straight
Eliminate the tension
Call us out of apprehension
No sort of mild-intervention
But a hand in
On our backs
Filling in the voids of everything that lacks
Peace steady calm joy
And you,
You shattered all my trust in you
Just like you do every time
I leave heart battered and bruised from the crime
Feeling so confused
About how your words get away from you
And you say ugly things you don't mean to
So you tell me
So tell me
When is this gonna change
When is your attitude gonna rearrange
So your words fall in line with your doctrine
And you stop attacking me when I walk in
Cause as you see
I walk back out
I will not be subject to such doubt
Knowing how firm I stand
Not afraid to raise a hand
And say wait
Does that classify as hate?
And did you just state
That we are below the world
Locked underfoot
Swallowed in root
Of the fact that this place is cold?
See I dare to be bold
In a way different from what I'm told
Don't buy into all that crap
That says this life's a trap
Fight fierce with words that pierce souls
With overwhelming light
Not darkness
There's enough of that in this mess
We need not curse but bless
Raise the voice we were given
Not the one we've always known
Change the way we're living
So we kneel before the throne
Take on new eyes
To see through the lies
Hold out new hands
To show the truth in which stands
A new generation
Walking forth in expectation
Bringing love not condemnation

So ask yourself if what you preach
Is even present in your speech.

Prosetry on Catharsis

Catharsis
Is a get-it-off-my-chest,
Channel-my-energy-elsewhere-then-brush-yo-shouldas-off sort of thing.
And I always think it will make breathing easier,
It lets a little of the tension that builds in my muscles.
Psycho-physiology,
amazing and frustrating that my mind and my body are so interconnected,
but I guess that's sort of what makes the "heart";
both to feel but not with physicality,
to lead but not with the mind.

I don't succumb to it often,
- catharsis, not my heart, for that I'm a sucker -
but when I do,
It never fails to fail,
Leaving only the illusion of betterment.
But I guess an illusion feels better
than helplessness or stagnance.

Insider's Perspective: Silver Linings Playbook

Daring to go against the current, but here goes:

I [me, myself personally] wouldn't recommend Silver Linings Playbook. I thought the characters were 95% annoying, only 80% believable, and I was stressed 99% of the time; right up to the end. Maybe it's that for me, the subject matter is too familiar, and so even though they tried to make light of what it's like to live with someone who struggles with mental disorders, I don't want to re-live or laugh about that part of my life. Ever.

That's not to say it's a bad movie, (though I think it was not oscar-worthy,) or that the performances weren't good, I just wouldn't recommend it and didn't love it.

My two cents, for whatever it's worth, to whomever.

An Open Letter to Tipping.org

This is an open letter to "tipping.org" [also submitted on their feedback section] on their chart that was featured on CNN.com's money section as to how NOT to tip your barista. Naturally, outraged, I wrote them. Hopefully they change their advice on this, but at least I can say I tried...

"I was really appalled to find CNN had listed your site as the reference on a recommendation for tipping on various services. One of the only services that was listed as "No Tip" was your "coffee shop staff". This is absolute GARBAGE. As having been a barista for 5+ years, I find this unacceptable. Yes, granted it works the same way as waiting - if your server sucks, don't tip well, and at a coffee shop I'd say at all. But I had people day in and day out, buy $5 drinks and, whether difficult or kind, they didn't tip; I always thought it was rude. I couldn't afford a $5 coffee every day on my wage. The most I ever made hourly was $8.5, after five years in coffee. These people put up with some of the worst attitudes and treatment, and I'm really offended and shocked, - outraged! that you wouldn't recommend a tip to a coffee slinger. Really?


Maybe go out and do it for a day, on an insanely busy morning shift that starts at an ungodly hour, and see how not getting tipped feels. Then suggest that people shouldn't tip. I doubt you'd hold your stance. And so I highly suggest your website change it."

The Law of Love

(April 14th Journal Excerpt)

...and the concept of a God that loves each of us so specifically, every little thing!

Sometimes I struggle a little because I can't fathom Him. That's also what keeps me coming back. there is nothing else like this, and it doesn't make any sense, but I know it. It's a reality in my life I can't deny. It's a paradox: I don't get Him, but I can't stop trying.

It just sort of rocked me extra hard today: a God that loves. All other gods and religion are for achieving peace or good karma, or upgrade in yet another life. None involve an omnipotent deity that loves; that humbled Himself to our level, not to judge upon himself to wipe our slate(s). But they all still acknowledge good and bad; or evil.

I love that I know that is reflected in me; that love God has for each individual just smacks me in the chest sometimes, knocks the wind out of me usually. A reflection that my nature tries to overshadow, and veil.

So even though I can't comprehend it fully, I know it. It's not unlike the concept of gravity; no, sorry - the law! it's like the law of gravity: we know it exists, and based on the fact that we don't float away to the moon we each personally know it, but it's a little hard to comprehend. So is the law of love.

And what a beautiful law!

Incessant Need to Explain How I Tick

I have this problem (which will become ironic with further explanation) where I have a minor obsession with personality type tests. Psychological and sociological breakdown of personal and interpersonal actions, reactions, developments - what have you, I am enthralled with it. Mostly with my own, but I've learned the value in learning about other people's too; it helps make sense out of them. Without getting into the specifics of why they are that way, it explains habits and tendencies. The irony lies in the fact that mine say that my type likes to delve into self-betterment and self-discovery...hence why I love personality tests. It's a vicious cycle.

So it's not really something one would call a problem necessarily...unless you were the type to aim high on the self-discovery and awareness chart. Whatever that chart is. But I was collecting all these kind of funny statements from different tests that said I was this that and the other type, and post them. The other thing many of those types say, is a deep need to be authentic and understood. So where I find a problem with this is, it's making things too simple, and in the way of loose openness, it detracts from authenticity.

If I want to be understood, even by people in my life who are supposed to be the closest people in my life, do I draw them a roadmap? Make a small, hand-bound dictionary or encyclopedia? Maybe it'd make for a really nice Venn diagram! Even though I find it fascinating, I'd probably just find myself frustrated, didn't you read my blog?! No, probably you didn't. Because normal interactions don't typically involve a decided bullet-pointed list of each party's characteristics and outlook.

And it's me selling myself short; putting myself in a personality tested box. Yes, they eerily describe me, but I am more than they can describe by having me answer 30 multiple choice questions. It's not fair for me to think that's all someone would need to understand me. Or any person, for that matter. It helps, a ton - I stand firm on that, but there's more.

I hope I can grow away from the seemingly incessant need to explain myself, but hold tight to the need to express my thoughts, ideas, ideals, and opinions. That's the part of a person that should be open for explicit explanation. You can figure out for yourself how I tick, I like to think it's worth it.

Getting the Word Out: Three Recommendations

I like to learn about things from people, and to help people learn about things. So here are some things I recommend, lately:

Handcraft Cabernet Sauvignon. It's a really bright, carbony red. Pretty easy to drink, but perfect for sipping. It's very different as Cabs go (which I can say, because I've had many at this point), but I like it nonetheless. I'd guess it'd pair well with something subtly salty. And it's relatively cheap! Which is always a selling point.

The documentary movie, "Doctored". It's a very interesting peek into the health industry, particularly the use of homeopathic treatments versus drugs. I found it very eye-opening, and not overly propagandizing - though I supposed one could take it that way. It makes you realize just how much we are a society held in the place of being dependent on doctors, when maybe not necessary. It's very hopeful, whereas I feel like in medicine there's a lot of hopelessness. Makes the health crisis we face, all the more difficult to unravel though.

Carroll. It's this local Minneapolis band that has this really great, really different sound. I don't quite know how to put words to it, but the music is actually really interesting. I think more so than the lyrics, which I don't find myself thinking often these days. The kind of music I'm drawn to is lyrics over sound. But this stuff is just something you kind of get pulled into, and lost in a little. Maybe that's just me, but check out their EP Needs, available on iTunes, bandcamp, and at Electric Fetus.

So that's just to share a few things I've been thinking about and wanting to spread the word on.