seems you've lost your concentration
and the result is this painful evaporation
wasted words like snow flakes on still warm concrete
never stood a chance with even waning heat
and i can only reach so far
dancing for balance
and yet holding to the par
breaks my heart
little by little
bit by small bit
you've seen me crumble
think you can't help it
but what i ask
not so great a task
is just remember
when you loved me.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Head Space: Paralyzing and Intriguing
I open the page to pour out my thoughts, and they evaporate; disappearing like the fog of my breath would on this winter night. Then before me sits the blankness, again. Paralyzing, and intriguing.
Lately everything feels different than I thought it would, and I haven't known how to put it to words. I've felt strange; not myself. Out of body, but painfully present. [These are simply musings, not meant to allude or draw alarm. Just musings.] And through an onslaught of emotions and feelings that I haven't recognized by their names, I have been at a loss for the right words. I have been afraid to try to apply description to sentiments I don't myself understand, let alone for someone else to try.
I'm one so often lost in my own thoughts, that I typically have a good handle on myself; what I feel, what I think, what I do. So to an extent it's been troublesome not to understand myself, but not worrisome that I'm at any actual risk. Just confusion.
And the confusion arises from a feeling that's quite unfamiliar to me, though I think accurately describes it and that's: discontentment.
Maybe it's now that I'm growing up, seeing life from a realistic perspective that it's more challenging than I've previously thought. I'm an optimist, and a pleaser, but life is so very different than I've ever seen it. It's becoming harder to give the benefit of the doubt. It's been harder to graciously withstand ruthless ways and selfishness. To be giving is no longer a virtue but a weakness.
I guess what I'm realizing is that I feel a little jaded. A little bit like, I don't know what's worthwhile right now; cause it seems like barely anything is good and lasting. If anything good lasts, it destroys something else in it's birth. It's like the simple explanation of mortality that a parent might give to their child: for every death their is a new life. And I feel like in my life, so many things have passed, that I'm wearily waiting and checking the horizon for the new.
I am by no means despairing now but I was not long ago. The purpose of these thoughts exposed is not to draw attention or pull out emotion - it's that I simply can't not express. Pardon the double negative...I think there's value in expression. In discussing wisely when things aren't perfect.
And I am the type, that in feeling the impending weight of the human condition, seeks to notice and cherish what's good and life-giving; to count blessings, if you will. Being an optimist, I am prone to finding and, at times, creating the silver lining.
All this is to say, I have been wondering (yes, wondering) through a lot of head-space, and I think I've found what to call this foreign feeling that I am learning to overcome. So it's not a defeat but a victory, learning to be content. Finding joy and worth in times of mediocrity. Cherishing what's good and what's there.
Lately everything feels different than I thought it would, and I haven't known how to put it to words. I've felt strange; not myself. Out of body, but painfully present. [These are simply musings, not meant to allude or draw alarm. Just musings.] And through an onslaught of emotions and feelings that I haven't recognized by their names, I have been at a loss for the right words. I have been afraid to try to apply description to sentiments I don't myself understand, let alone for someone else to try.
I'm one so often lost in my own thoughts, that I typically have a good handle on myself; what I feel, what I think, what I do. So to an extent it's been troublesome not to understand myself, but not worrisome that I'm at any actual risk. Just confusion.
And the confusion arises from a feeling that's quite unfamiliar to me, though I think accurately describes it and that's: discontentment.
Maybe it's now that I'm growing up, seeing life from a realistic perspective that it's more challenging than I've previously thought. I'm an optimist, and a pleaser, but life is so very different than I've ever seen it. It's becoming harder to give the benefit of the doubt. It's been harder to graciously withstand ruthless ways and selfishness. To be giving is no longer a virtue but a weakness.
I guess what I'm realizing is that I feel a little jaded. A little bit like, I don't know what's worthwhile right now; cause it seems like barely anything is good and lasting. If anything good lasts, it destroys something else in it's birth. It's like the simple explanation of mortality that a parent might give to their child: for every death their is a new life. And I feel like in my life, so many things have passed, that I'm wearily waiting and checking the horizon for the new.
I am by no means despairing now but I was not long ago. The purpose of these thoughts exposed is not to draw attention or pull out emotion - it's that I simply can't not express. Pardon the double negative...I think there's value in expression. In discussing wisely when things aren't perfect.
And I am the type, that in feeling the impending weight of the human condition, seeks to notice and cherish what's good and life-giving; to count blessings, if you will. Being an optimist, I am prone to finding and, at times, creating the silver lining.
All this is to say, I have been wondering (yes, wondering) through a lot of head-space, and I think I've found what to call this foreign feeling that I am learning to overcome. So it's not a defeat but a victory, learning to be content. Finding joy and worth in times of mediocrity. Cherishing what's good and what's there.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Here, Where
And here we find ourselves,
Where,
All loyalty is lost.
Lines are blurred and crossed,
This sense of self
and self-construction
only result in certain self-destruction
we turn off the concern
and so exchange it for panic
coming to in open waters
turns free into manic
flailing and wailing
longing for some sense of direction
but no one wants to hear they're wrong
only right
and we're all right
and we're alright
we're the sudden silence
of a war-torn night
but don't look now.
Where,
All loyalty is lost.
Lines are blurred and crossed,
This sense of self
and self-construction
only result in certain self-destruction
we turn off the concern
and so exchange it for panic
coming to in open waters
turns free into manic
flailing and wailing
longing for some sense of direction
but no one wants to hear they're wrong
only right
and we're all right
and we're alright
we're the sudden silence
of a war-torn night
but don't look now.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
[I am thankful for Joy]
I count myself thankful for the root of Joy
that was bestowed upon me
in my formation; before breath...
though the world try to beat it down,
it is resilient!
I grip to it
so not to lose unto death
but it has a quiet way
a strength to surpass all others
and if a part of me withers
it is an endless tether
permeating the dirt of me,
keeping me true
[I am thankful for Joy]
that was bestowed upon me
in my formation; before breath...
though the world try to beat it down,
it is resilient!
I grip to it
so not to lose unto death
but it has a quiet way
a strength to surpass all others
and if a part of me withers
it is an endless tether
permeating the dirt of me,
keeping me true
[I am thankful for Joy]
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Who Makes the Cut?
Mostly I think about people.
I am a people person. I am an extrovert. I get depressed if I spend too much time alone. I think I even cope, by thinking about people. I think about interactions. I think about personalities. I think about memories: moments, laughs, fights, developments. I'm fascinated by people. Interpersonal relationships. They're wonderful and terrible; perfect and completely messy. They're impossible to turn into facts and figures, yet we constantly try. Every person-to-person interaction is different, though they may appear similar. A relationship may seem like it's one you'd never not have, and the next thing you know you're mutually letting go. It's irreparable.
I've been thinking about this lately; I've had a lot of time to myself lately, and so I've been doing a lot of thinking. You could probably guess that I've been thinking about people. (If I'd had more interest in studying and had been more sure of myself, I probably should've majored in psychology.) There are a handful of reasons I have so much time alone lately, one of them is arguably of my own doing. And I've been thinking about it. This is why I don't like being alone, - too much time spent thinking.
I've never been great at standing up for myself. It's always felt like an impertinence. Whether that's personality or growing up as the youngest of six, I don't know, but I still don't really like it. There have been a couple people from whom I've either cut myself off completely, or just strongly backed away, in efforts to protect myself. In my...solitude, for lack of another synonym with more accurate connotation, I've been thinking about this. And I know, by some I've been thought less of because of it. So the question has been haunting me as to whether this is an acceptable practice.
I mean, do we really have to like everybody?
I tend to try not to let someone know if I don't like them; no need to be rude about it, but I'm also not going to give my time to someone who is going to waste it and trample me in the process. My time alone has had me pondering those choices; questioning the existence of a balance. Is there a balance of tolerating the seemingly intolerable because it is the nicer thing to do, and walking away because your heart can't take it anymore? The tolerant, nice side of me keeps coming to the surface with this question, - this doubt rather, that there's never a time to walk away. That walking away is weak.
I think the only glaring difference is walking away without clarity; without answers. I think that's the reason I have trouble feeling okay about those decisions, is because I never had closure. I only hit my breaking point. I found the place where I didn't know what else to do and had to let go without explanation. The other is free to go, not knowing why it was worth it for me to quit.
My sister was telling me, a speaker named Graham Cooke refers to some people as "Grace Growers". I couldn't help but think about that: what if those were my grace growers? Is it possible that I ran out? Just in those moments, and those times, - those relationships, and those people were the unfortunate victims of me not having enough to give them?
All this to say, I've been on the receiving end of The Cut before, and admittedly, I've made the decision myself as well. If ever I come to this again, I hope I'll make the decision with different eyes. I can't say I won't do it again, because sometimes a relationship feels fatal, but I do hope I can avoid this as much as possible in life.
Hold on to the ones that stretch capacity for love and ability to apply grace.
I am a people person. I am an extrovert. I get depressed if I spend too much time alone. I think I even cope, by thinking about people. I think about interactions. I think about personalities. I think about memories: moments, laughs, fights, developments. I'm fascinated by people. Interpersonal relationships. They're wonderful and terrible; perfect and completely messy. They're impossible to turn into facts and figures, yet we constantly try. Every person-to-person interaction is different, though they may appear similar. A relationship may seem like it's one you'd never not have, and the next thing you know you're mutually letting go. It's irreparable.
I've been thinking about this lately; I've had a lot of time to myself lately, and so I've been doing a lot of thinking. You could probably guess that I've been thinking about people. (If I'd had more interest in studying and had been more sure of myself, I probably should've majored in psychology.) There are a handful of reasons I have so much time alone lately, one of them is arguably of my own doing. And I've been thinking about it. This is why I don't like being alone, - too much time spent thinking.
I've never been great at standing up for myself. It's always felt like an impertinence. Whether that's personality or growing up as the youngest of six, I don't know, but I still don't really like it. There have been a couple people from whom I've either cut myself off completely, or just strongly backed away, in efforts to protect myself. In my...solitude, for lack of another synonym with more accurate connotation, I've been thinking about this. And I know, by some I've been thought less of because of it. So the question has been haunting me as to whether this is an acceptable practice.
I mean, do we really have to like everybody?
I tend to try not to let someone know if I don't like them; no need to be rude about it, but I'm also not going to give my time to someone who is going to waste it and trample me in the process. My time alone has had me pondering those choices; questioning the existence of a balance. Is there a balance of tolerating the seemingly intolerable because it is the nicer thing to do, and walking away because your heart can't take it anymore? The tolerant, nice side of me keeps coming to the surface with this question, - this doubt rather, that there's never a time to walk away. That walking away is weak.
I think the only glaring difference is walking away without clarity; without answers. I think that's the reason I have trouble feeling okay about those decisions, is because I never had closure. I only hit my breaking point. I found the place where I didn't know what else to do and had to let go without explanation. The other is free to go, not knowing why it was worth it for me to quit.
My sister was telling me, a speaker named Graham Cooke refers to some people as "Grace Growers". I couldn't help but think about that: what if those were my grace growers? Is it possible that I ran out? Just in those moments, and those times, - those relationships, and those people were the unfortunate victims of me not having enough to give them?
All this to say, I've been on the receiving end of The Cut before, and admittedly, I've made the decision myself as well. If ever I come to this again, I hope I'll make the decision with different eyes. I can't say I won't do it again, because sometimes a relationship feels fatal, but I do hope I can avoid this as much as possible in life.
Hold on to the ones that stretch capacity for love and ability to apply grace.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Beginning a New Journal: Sept 8, 2012
I love this journal so much I didn't even want to break the binding. It's lovely, and I wanted to begin it with something lovely, but those kinds of words are a little for me to come by these days.
I'm at Logan Park, it's a beautiful evening; it was a beautiful day. It didn't even feel like it. Hence I took to my bike, journal in tow. I wanted to go somewhere beautiful, somewhere that didn't make me hate life...if only for a minute. It didn't feel like a beautiful day.
I spend all day inside, at the wrong temperature, just looking at a taunting outdoors. I think about what I'll do when I get off work, but inevitably I'm too beat to chase the adventure my heart craves and then invents.
I'm listening, now, to the dwindling remnant sounds of children in the park at twilight. a couple walking their dog pass me a second time. It's a beautiful evening, though the breeze has my every hair on end and my body on the verge of shivers. I welcome it. It's been a hot, humid summer, though not even one of our worst.
And though it's dark out, I wish someone would come and talk with me. Lately, I've had the longing for the spark of new relationship. A chance to meet someone new, and investigate them. Try them on; feel them out. If I like it, lay ground rules: no taking advantage of me, no lying, no walking away, no secrets, no assumptions or presumptions, no holding back - tears or laughter -, no letting go when it's convenient. Be present, be invested.
Instead, I sit, on the bench, looking out over an ever-darkening field, the clouds in the distance occasionally shimmering, alone. Only thinking that if I met someone who'd let me set the rules, and also hold me to them...it would be perfect. If only there were such a thing, as someone I could trust; someone who would treat me like I deserve, and love me, that would be perfect. Ideal. Ideal.
The wind washes over me, playing with the whispies in my hair. This is the closest I think I ever feel to love. That's why I come here and sit, alone. I can pretend that even though I don't speak, the wind hears my thoughts and cherishes these musings. I can come and feel like beauty loves me back. Its touches, looks, and hushes tell me. And we're together, without care.
Beauty loves me back.
I'm at Logan Park, it's a beautiful evening; it was a beautiful day. It didn't even feel like it. Hence I took to my bike, journal in tow. I wanted to go somewhere beautiful, somewhere that didn't make me hate life...if only for a minute. It didn't feel like a beautiful day.
I spend all day inside, at the wrong temperature, just looking at a taunting outdoors. I think about what I'll do when I get off work, but inevitably I'm too beat to chase the adventure my heart craves and then invents.
I'm listening, now, to the dwindling remnant sounds of children in the park at twilight. a couple walking their dog pass me a second time. It's a beautiful evening, though the breeze has my every hair on end and my body on the verge of shivers. I welcome it. It's been a hot, humid summer, though not even one of our worst.
And though it's dark out, I wish someone would come and talk with me. Lately, I've had the longing for the spark of new relationship. A chance to meet someone new, and investigate them. Try them on; feel them out. If I like it, lay ground rules: no taking advantage of me, no lying, no walking away, no secrets, no assumptions or presumptions, no holding back - tears or laughter -, no letting go when it's convenient. Be present, be invested.
Instead, I sit, on the bench, looking out over an ever-darkening field, the clouds in the distance occasionally shimmering, alone. Only thinking that if I met someone who'd let me set the rules, and also hold me to them...it would be perfect. If only there were such a thing, as someone I could trust; someone who would treat me like I deserve, and love me, that would be perfect. Ideal. Ideal.
The wind washes over me, playing with the whispies in my hair. This is the closest I think I ever feel to love. That's why I come here and sit, alone. I can pretend that even though I don't speak, the wind hears my thoughts and cherishes these musings. I can come and feel like beauty loves me back. Its touches, looks, and hushes tell me. And we're together, without care.
Beauty loves me back.
Friday, September 07, 2012
The Now
Fall always gets me. I begin to love life again. Summer is great for some things it offers, but fall will always snag my heart.
I had a bit of a rough patch the past week or so. It's like when the you-know-what hits, it HITS. But I had this realization that it's a snare. It's a snare. I could be dragged down, and I could make the same choices as all the rest, but the point is to have discernment and trust, and a happiness that confounds people. How when life is what it is, can you still find joy?
It's not just a change of the weather, it's not just that last week was bad and this week is better. Last week, a lot of bad crap went down, but this week my life is still in the wake of that. This week I'm choosing to walk in an attitude of grace, joy, and expectancy. I went to work yesterday, and for some random reason I just had a great day at work. Great! I haven't had a great day at work in, God knows how long!
And I miss that. I miss the times in my life when I was good at taking each day as it comes, and not constantly wondering about when I'm going to get to something better. What's wrong with right now? What is meant for right now?
There's always something to be done; to be achieved or enjoyed. I hate to be so era-specific, but I kind of like "YOLO". I mean, let's be real, that existed before it became a stupid, over-used acronym. None the less, it's something that we should think about more. Why be a jerk to your waitress (or barista), when you could be nice? Why hoard things, when you could give them away? Why be in a bad mood, when you could brighten someone's day? Why worry, when you have no control anyway?
I've been especially irked lately by the hypocrisy of christians. Myself included. Man, I can be such a hypocrite. A variety of ways. One of them is being so discontent with my life, when I should be enjoying it all the time...yolo. But seriously.
I guess discontentment isn't limited to mis-focused Christians. Everyone gets it. In general, I've been trying to focus on (I promise so far I kind of suck at it) putting other people first - which is so the opposite of how people think these days! Wouldn't it just be interesting? Interesting that someone would say, even though I'm tired and feel like a royal sack of crap, I will smile at you when I hand you your coffee and genuinely wish you a great day. Part of the tough thing is people don't notice as much as you want them to; the doormat effect.
So this has been and will be my challenge to myself. The challenge to totally enjoy life. As much as humanly possible.
I'm sentimental and pensive, so the change of seasons makes me think about how I could change. Cliche, yes. Effective? Maybe. Try it, you might like it.
I had a bit of a rough patch the past week or so. It's like when the you-know-what hits, it HITS. But I had this realization that it's a snare. It's a snare. I could be dragged down, and I could make the same choices as all the rest, but the point is to have discernment and trust, and a happiness that confounds people. How when life is what it is, can you still find joy?
It's not just a change of the weather, it's not just that last week was bad and this week is better. Last week, a lot of bad crap went down, but this week my life is still in the wake of that. This week I'm choosing to walk in an attitude of grace, joy, and expectancy. I went to work yesterday, and for some random reason I just had a great day at work. Great! I haven't had a great day at work in, God knows how long!
And I miss that. I miss the times in my life when I was good at taking each day as it comes, and not constantly wondering about when I'm going to get to something better. What's wrong with right now? What is meant for right now?
There's always something to be done; to be achieved or enjoyed. I hate to be so era-specific, but I kind of like "YOLO". I mean, let's be real, that existed before it became a stupid, over-used acronym. None the less, it's something that we should think about more. Why be a jerk to your waitress (or barista), when you could be nice? Why hoard things, when you could give them away? Why be in a bad mood, when you could brighten someone's day? Why worry, when you have no control anyway?
I've been especially irked lately by the hypocrisy of christians. Myself included. Man, I can be such a hypocrite. A variety of ways. One of them is being so discontent with my life, when I should be enjoying it all the time...yolo. But seriously.
I guess discontentment isn't limited to mis-focused Christians. Everyone gets it. In general, I've been trying to focus on (I promise so far I kind of suck at it) putting other people first - which is so the opposite of how people think these days! Wouldn't it just be interesting? Interesting that someone would say, even though I'm tired and feel like a royal sack of crap, I will smile at you when I hand you your coffee and genuinely wish you a great day. Part of the tough thing is people don't notice as much as you want them to; the doormat effect.
So this has been and will be my challenge to myself. The challenge to totally enjoy life. As much as humanly possible.
I'm sentimental and pensive, so the change of seasons makes me think about how I could change. Cliche, yes. Effective? Maybe. Try it, you might like it.
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