These are just my thoughts; maybe, really no one should read them, for they are pointless to the continuous turning of the world...then again, maybe not.
Saturday, November 21, 2015
Dad's Trees
Saturday, November 07, 2015
When Death Wins
Sometimes it's hard not to feel like we're losing. The week before last, I woke in the middle of the night to awful news in an email that disturbed me as I fell back asleep. I woke again in the morning - hoping it wasn't real, but it was. A cloud seemed to float above me that morning. It's hard to approach a normal day with the dark staring at you like that. The thought so surreal, like the Cheshire cat's teasing grin. I spent a part of my day, trying to compose myself and move on, which seemed worse. Disrespectful.
It's hard when it feels like death is winning. Why does it get to win? That's how I've felt with every mass shooting over the last few years - though less so each time, the repetition numbing me slightly more with each report. It sounds terrible, I know, but to some extent it's a conscious numbing, because I can't let the weight of each death settle on me, crushing.
Then tonight, there's Paris. A city that holds a piece of my heart, from a defining time in my life. I think about people innocently going about their Friday night in the greatest city in the world, mercilessly killed. In the name of some thing no one fully understands. I have a lump in my throat, and going to sleep seems unfair. I am not numb to this.
As a Christian, this is one of my greatest theological struggles, when I want to shake my fist at the sky filled with the proverbial heavens - "Why again?"
Each age has had its own brand of darkness, certainly, but I struggle to say, "Oh death where is your victory?", for so oft it seems we see it. Then I find myself weary in the fight, even if the fight is not against death itself, rather to have hope in spite of perceived and some all-too-real perils.
It becomes clear, we live in a tension. Sometimes there it feels similar to stretching a tight or sore muscle. I know that the Lord is good, and that the fight is fixed, but the blows along the way can make it hard to get off the ground again.
Then the next question is, how do we - how do I - fight this battle? When fear has already taken such hold in this world and evil is no stranger hidden away in the shadows, what can be done?
When I feel powerless and defeated, all I can think is to say or do is mutter or tell a simple prayer, "God, where are you? Show yourself." My only hope is that He will be made known and that in Him hope and freedom will be found, in and in spite of everything. And I find comfort in knowing His heart is also grieved.
The We That Was
Empty.
Love remains, it resounds,
Into the empty space
of the pools of pride over my conviction.
Proud.
We sat,
unable to see eye to eye,
in more than one way.
One last kiss,
a confused and removed peck.
Maybe I don't understand how this works.
Pride is the last thing on my mind...
Or maybe it wasn't.
Either way there is a pit in my stomach
because I hate to cause hurt for the sake of myself.
I've always had a borderline naive hope in the good nature of others;
that they could protect my interest before their own.
Questioning that, I often feel untrue to myself.
You already feel so far away.
I missed you the second the words left my mouth.
It was a new silence for me, a new sting.
Dodging one another's glances,
An occasional unsure smile returned with a blank stare.
We didn't feel like us anymore,
Because we weren't.
All in an instant.
The we that was on a path together,
became the you and I at different paces.
I knew that when I needed
to let go
you would not understand.
Saturday, September 12, 2015
Picking Up Our Cross & Acknowledging Him
Some believe that means daily we fall prostrate before the Lord, thanking Him for having Mercy on us, sinners. Sure. That's an option, I'd guess. Personally, I don't daily fall before the Lord, and I don't know that I feel terrible about that. What I do feel not great about is my failure to be with the Lord daily. He is there, He is with me, but do I acknowledge Him? Do I surrender daily to Him?
Sometime in the last year or so, I had a revelation on a much used verse, it's actually my dad's favorite: "Acknowledge me in all Him in all your ways, and He will make your paths straight." I think part of my having "majored" in English helps me pull this apart - our job here is to acknowledge Him. How do we do that and what does it have to do with not leaning on our own understanding? If we lean on our own understanding, we see with only human eyes and only in part, but if we trust the Lord and recognize Him all along our path, He will guide it. Acknowledging Him in all our ways requires that we surrender our path to Him; surrendering our desire to control to Him. The reality is, we cannot make our own paths straight, and our understanding is faulty, save for the understanding that God is sovereign and always with us, preparing our path and lighting it, if we will let Him.
It's exactly what Jesus was talking about when He said his disciples would have to pick up our crosses daily. He not only said that, but that we had to deny ourselves and follow Him; that we could not find our lives, but rather must surrender them.
I think some Christians think this means we ought to martyr ourselves daily, and that again we are disciples if we earn it. I think what Jesus is saying is that to follow Him in carrying a cross, is to follow Him in being sacrificial with your life to the benefit of others out of love, and therefore you have internalized the teaching and are a disciple. It's not simply that we wake up and lash ourselves on the back for our sinfulness - no! Not even close. It's that we wake up and say, "Father, my life is yours - how do you want me to love others today?" And not just asking, but listening and doing. Because again, the example of Jesus was that even knowing He was going to excruciating death, He submitted His will to the Father's.
To carry our cross is also to acknowledge Him in everything. God is never gone, so if our faulty understanding tells us He is, we should acknowledge Him; call out to Him, in surrender and longing, that He would guide us, and make straight the way.
Friday, September 04, 2015
Writer's Block Isn't Real
At least that's what I have to tell myself when I feel stuck. I heard someone talk about it once in a guest lecture at the U[niversity of Minnesota]. When I do feel stuck and tell myself this, it's like I only get more stuck. I hit these patches in life, dry spells if you will, in which I feel like I have nothing insightful to say. Nothing new to offer the world, and yet a hunger to write.
That's the side of writing I much prefer. I think one of the jobs of a writer is to deliver from their perspective. That's one of the beauties of writing, letting yourself come through. Literature snobs can get hung up about this, but I think it's a part of it. We as humans like to dive into the mind of another, even better if we can get lost there, swim around for a while.
Writing is a beautiful and incredibly challenging task. It feels like an ever-changing beast. Today, I feel ok at it, months ago I felt great at it. Tomorrow I might feel awful at it. Sometimes I'm driving somewhere, or walking around and a thought comes to me. BRILLIANT! I think, I'll write that later...Later then becomes forgotten, or later it comes out in much less an interesting manner than your high hopes perceived it would.
To tell a story seems easy. What are the facts? How does it arch? Who are the players? Who's your audience? Then, to make the proverbial rubber meet the road - to write. I don't think about any of that, to be honest. Whenever I was told to write an outline I went crazy. For some reason, when I think about it, it doesn't work.
Which is exactly why I sat down today, to write something of significance and somehow started writing about writing. Because I have "writer's block"...which isn't real.
In the end, I bet I have a story to tell - I think I have one in me. Maybe I'll give it a go...
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Wisdom: Laying Down My Will to See His
I have written about it before, I was planning to study abroad in Paris one fall. I'd been dying to go for a while, so I started telling everyone in the early summer that I was going, (I'm still learning that lesson, I think) and almost completely believed it myself, though ignoring a small, quiet feeling that I wouldn't in fact board a plane in the coming months to fulfill my dream.
The nagging feeling clawed at my logic (thank God for giving me any at all!), eventually getting to me. The cost was so great, I could not justify it; it just wasn't right! With everything lined up but the plane ticket and signing away my eternity to the student loans to cover the trip, I decided not to go. In as much as anyone can be heartbroken over a thing and not a person, I was. I felt silly for going back on all that talk, and putting a dream on hold after leading myself to believe it was about to be realized.
Months later, as other plans and parts of my life came to a screeching halt, at this intersection I found another dream of mine: Youth With a Mission. I could not only go take a breather from my stinted life, but I could go to Paris and go to a Discipleship Training School with YWAM. That turned out to be the very best experience of my life so far; valued far beyond its cost, especially in comparison with my college experience! I cherish my time abroad as the perfect gift it was intended to be. His plans certainly did exceed my own.
It may sound mediocre to some, but to me this experience was huge. And I will never forget that God spoke to me in the midst of the pain of giving up my plans for the sake of wisdom. He told me He was with me, and that He had something far better than I had imagined. He is never wrong.
Sometimes, wisdom tugs at your pantleg until you acknowledge it. That tug is no small thing, but it is quiet and subtle, requiring faith to respond. Sometimes the things it calls us to may seem uncertain, even difficult, but surrendered in the hands of the Almighty, life will never be short on His goodness. I believe that when wisdom tells us to lay down our will at God's feet, we will get to see just how lavish His is.
Wednesday, July 08, 2015
Life as a Walkabout
The last few days at work have been busy. There are things pulling me every direction and every day I'm re-writing my To Do list. I have to stop and remind myself how fortunate I am to have my job. I quickly think back to a year ago when I was just leaving the honeymoon period at a job that was on a steep incline to painfully frustrating. Before that, I did something I loved but it wasn't long-term, which is ironic because it was incredibly short-lived due to a freak accident. Although I guess I should know myself well enough to know klutziness isn't abnormal.
Again, the cliche is true: it's not without looking back that you see how far you've come.
A lot of times in looking back I find hope that even when things are bleak and there's no dots to connect between where you are and where you want to be, it's possible to get there. That is life! (Ugh, I haven't written for pleasure in a while, forgive the oozing of cliches.) Sometimes you put one foot in front of the other without really knowing what you'll walk through, because life doesn't let you stand still.
I'm actually kind of a fan of getting lost. It gives me a chance to explore something new, experience something new, and at the end of the day there's always some way to get back home. There are seasons where we are forced to do this. There's an Australian aboriginal practice about this that [in theory] I'm fond of called a walkabout. While it's conceptually geared toward adolescent males as a rite of passage to go off and find themselves in the wilderness, I like it. It is an apt metaphor to the times in life when you don't really know where you're going, or the purpose of the walking, but in it you learn a lot about who you are.
Maybe it's not one specific event, maybe yours wasn't when you were an adolescent or even limited to one age in your life - heck, maybe you have never had your "walkabout"! Dreams are meant to be grasped and deserts meant to be explored, should you dare to try. And maybe along the way you will learn to hope.