I just want to curl up in my bed,
Pretend that world outside of me doesn't exist for a moment,
That time moves slow,
That I can see myself grow,
I say pretend,
Because I know it won't change in the end,
And I know,
That I can't see how this will mend,
But for now,
I'll curl up,
Pretend that the world outside of me doesn't exist,
For a moment,
Then everything might not be so potent,
I'll just lay here a while,
With my thoughts,
And with my God,
My back to Him,
I'll ask him questions,
But I'll hear no answers,
Because my head is clouded,
My ears are packed inside,
With all the pieces of my broken pride,
And I can't pretend,
So I'll just lay here,
Wait for something to bend,
And break free,
Reconciling me.
Saturday, January 09, 2010
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
The Irony of Life
Life sometimes gets so ridiculously ironic that you have to laugh. Amidst all the stress, the anxiety, the tension, etc. you have to laugh. I have to laugh, or I probably wouldn't make it very far, this I know.
This was a tricky semester for me. I've been speculating for the last couple weeks since my first grade came in, about what I could've done to change it. But I know myself; I know me. I made some bad choices, and over again, I'd probably make more bad choices.
News Reporting and Writing was my favorite class. I actually looked forward to that class. I enjoyed my time in that class. I actually felt like I was learning useful things in that class. I never thought I'd get a C in that class. The one class I thoroughly enjoyed this semester.
All semester long I was worried about my biology class. That is something to worry about, for me. A class full of writing? Not so much. A class full of scientific anything? Definitely a point of concern. The funny part is, I took that class satisfactory/non, and I was "satisfactory". Now, the class in my major is what's biting me in the butt.
And there's nothing I can do but pray, and wait. The semester starts in 13 days, and I don't know if I'm going back. I'm 26 credits away from a degree.
So much is up in the air, and so much would seem not to make sense if I don't go back, but I'm trusting...or attempting to trust that if it's not this, there's something else.
It's confusing to feel that you've found your path, and then suddenly it changes...but you don't even know what you're moving towards. So I wonder, what am I moving towards?
This was a tricky semester for me. I've been speculating for the last couple weeks since my first grade came in, about what I could've done to change it. But I know myself; I know me. I made some bad choices, and over again, I'd probably make more bad choices.
News Reporting and Writing was my favorite class. I actually looked forward to that class. I enjoyed my time in that class. I actually felt like I was learning useful things in that class. I never thought I'd get a C in that class. The one class I thoroughly enjoyed this semester.
All semester long I was worried about my biology class. That is something to worry about, for me. A class full of writing? Not so much. A class full of scientific anything? Definitely a point of concern. The funny part is, I took that class satisfactory/non, and I was "satisfactory". Now, the class in my major is what's biting me in the butt.
And there's nothing I can do but pray, and wait. The semester starts in 13 days, and I don't know if I'm going back. I'm 26 credits away from a degree.
So much is up in the air, and so much would seem not to make sense if I don't go back, but I'm trusting...or attempting to trust that if it's not this, there's something else.
It's confusing to feel that you've found your path, and then suddenly it changes...but you don't even know what you're moving towards. So I wonder, what am I moving towards?
Tomorrow
Tomorrow I hold in an open hand,
Even if there's a fate I can't understand,
What I will do if all I have planned,
Slips through my fingers like grains of sand?
Day to day so much is unknown,
And it feels like I'm alone,
Trusting in seeds that have yet to be sown,
Knowing that none of this is done on my own,
But what if He takes it only to replace it,
And what of the new picture if I deface it,
Or try to rework it and then decide to erase it?
If it doesn't work now dare I chase it?
Words are at a loss,
Nothing said can make right,
The one chance, only chance,
Is lost without fight,
So I close my eyes,
Hold out open hands,
Walk into the darkness,
Hope to find where He stands.
Even if there's a fate I can't understand,
What I will do if all I have planned,
Slips through my fingers like grains of sand?
Day to day so much is unknown,
And it feels like I'm alone,
Trusting in seeds that have yet to be sown,
Knowing that none of this is done on my own,
But what if He takes it only to replace it,
And what of the new picture if I deface it,
Or try to rework it and then decide to erase it?
If it doesn't work now dare I chase it?
Words are at a loss,
Nothing said can make right,
The one chance, only chance,
Is lost without fight,
So I close my eyes,
Hold out open hands,
Walk into the darkness,
Hope to find where He stands.
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
Help w/ New Blog Name!
I am so in love with Greg Laswell right now it's not even a joke. He's definitely going to be either my first, or one of my first blog posts on my new music blog! It's not necessarily about new music...but it's new, and it's gonna be about music. I need a cute title. Apparently the title of this blog is cheesy (thanks, carrie), but I like it hence it does not change. So once I have a good title I will launch it, and post its address on this one, so that all or none may read it.
Don't expect it to be too good, cause I feel that sometimes I overestimate my writing abilities. Thankfully the artfulness of writing (or lack thereof) used in a blog cannot be judged, there isn't really a ruler by which to be measured. Doesn't mean my thoughts aren't just pointless enough that I shouldn't bother to write them out.
I've gone through a lot of phases in my music listening career. Some songs from all the phases have stuck with me as favorites, but it's interesting because I can't really define my taste.
Currently, I'm really liking stuff like Greg Laswell, Bon Iver, Jose Gonzalez (though I only own 3 songs of his), and Band of Horses. I'm horrible at learning about new music. It only makes its way to me after most others have already heard of it, haha. That is my certifiable pitfall to this upcoming blog, I don't really plan on writing about stuff people haven't heard of, because I haven't heard of that stuff. Haha. So feel free to pitch me a copy of a CD, if you think it'd be good to write about.
When this little project will begin, I can't say because I need to ponder a good name. I can't start writing without a solid blog name. So for now, that's what's going down.
Don't expect it to be too good, cause I feel that sometimes I overestimate my writing abilities. Thankfully the artfulness of writing (or lack thereof) used in a blog cannot be judged, there isn't really a ruler by which to be measured. Doesn't mean my thoughts aren't just pointless enough that I shouldn't bother to write them out.
I've gone through a lot of phases in my music listening career. Some songs from all the phases have stuck with me as favorites, but it's interesting because I can't really define my taste.
Currently, I'm really liking stuff like Greg Laswell, Bon Iver, Jose Gonzalez (though I only own 3 songs of his), and Band of Horses. I'm horrible at learning about new music. It only makes its way to me after most others have already heard of it, haha. That is my certifiable pitfall to this upcoming blog, I don't really plan on writing about stuff people haven't heard of, because I haven't heard of that stuff. Haha. So feel free to pitch me a copy of a CD, if you think it'd be good to write about.
When this little project will begin, I can't say because I need to ponder a good name. I can't start writing without a solid blog name. So for now, that's what's going down.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Hopelessness
There's an aching tightness in my chest,
And I can't seem to find rest,
Closed eyes, deep breaths,
Each hour full of minute deaths,
Must I die to all my dreams,
Is this the only way?
-It seems,
To get through another broken day,
At the end of which there's nothing to say,
But just lay my head down,
And try not to drown,
In the swirling sea of worries,
That thrashes over my head,
A sudden flash of lightning dread,
I toss and turn,
For a peace,
I yearn,
But none befalls me,
Only fate unknown,
Beckons and calls me.
And I can't seem to find rest,
Closed eyes, deep breaths,
Each hour full of minute deaths,
Must I die to all my dreams,
Is this the only way?
-It seems,
To get through another broken day,
At the end of which there's nothing to say,
But just lay my head down,
And try not to drown,
In the swirling sea of worries,
That thrashes over my head,
A sudden flash of lightning dread,
I toss and turn,
For a peace,
I yearn,
But none befalls me,
Only fate unknown,
Beckons and calls me.
Ok
What kind of things get lost,
When friendship becomes the cost,
From one thing to the next,
It's all been indexed,
From most important to least,
At the bottom is love that's decreased,
And how did this,
Fall into the wrong hands,
And how can we,
Know where any of this stands,
In the midst of a fire-fight,
We'll never tell who's right,
Even if it takes all night,
Oh but to walk away,
Is like having nothing left to say,
And staring it in the face,
Silent,
Never thought,
It'd pull us apart,
When we were attached at the heart,
Or maybe I was deceived,
And you were relieved,
Cause ain't that the way it goes?
One side stops loving,
A while before it shows,
When you had no one else,
I was there,
But now it seems that you just don't care,
And so I'll walk away,
Walk away,
And hope someday,
My heart will heal,
So that I may feel,
Ok.
When friendship becomes the cost,
From one thing to the next,
It's all been indexed,
From most important to least,
At the bottom is love that's decreased,
And how did this,
Fall into the wrong hands,
And how can we,
Know where any of this stands,
In the midst of a fire-fight,
We'll never tell who's right,
Even if it takes all night,
Oh but to walk away,
Is like having nothing left to say,
And staring it in the face,
Silent,
Never thought,
It'd pull us apart,
When we were attached at the heart,
Or maybe I was deceived,
And you were relieved,
Cause ain't that the way it goes?
One side stops loving,
A while before it shows,
When you had no one else,
I was there,
But now it seems that you just don't care,
And so I'll walk away,
Walk away,
And hope someday,
My heart will heal,
So that I may feel,
Ok.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Pieces
I hate myself for it,
It's my own brand of failure,
How can I ignore it?
I'm stuck here thinking,
What do I do now,
And is there any way,
That I can fix things,
And How?
Disappointment and regret overtake me,
Who knew something so simple could break me,
What does this mean now,
For the future,
Is there such thing as a broken life suture?
I'm not the type to give up,
But when the road is blocked,
Is there any way to feel but rocked?
It's my own brand of failure,
How can I ignore it?
I'm stuck here thinking,
What do I do now,
And is there any way,
That I can fix things,
And How?
Disappointment and regret overtake me,
Who knew something so simple could break me,
What does this mean now,
For the future,
Is there such thing as a broken life suture?
I'm not the type to give up,
But when the road is blocked,
Is there any way to feel but rocked?
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