Tomorrow

Tomorrow I hold in an open hand,
Even if there's a fate I can't understand,
What I will do if all I have planned,
Slips through my fingers like grains of sand?

Day to day so much is unknown,
And it feels like I'm alone,
Trusting in seeds that have yet to be sown,
Knowing that none of this is done on my own,

But what if He takes it only to replace it,
And what of the new picture if I deface it,
Or try to rework it and then decide to erase it?
If it doesn't work now dare I chase it?

Words are at a loss,
Nothing said can make right,
The one chance, only chance,
Is lost without fight,

So I close my eyes,
Hold out open hands,
Walk into the darkness,
Hope to find where He stands.

Help w/ New Blog Name!

I am so in love with Greg Laswell right now it's not even a joke. He's definitely going to be either my first, or one of my first blog posts on my new music blog! It's not necessarily about new music...but it's new, and it's gonna be about music. I need a cute title. Apparently the title of this blog is cheesy (thanks, carrie), but I like it hence it does not change. So once I have a good title I will launch it, and post its address on this one, so that all or none may read it.

Don't expect it to be too good, cause I feel that sometimes I overestimate my writing abilities. Thankfully the artfulness of writing (or lack thereof) used in a blog cannot be judged, there isn't really a ruler by which to be measured. Doesn't mean my thoughts aren't just pointless enough that I shouldn't bother to write them out.

I've gone through a lot of phases in my music listening career. Some songs from all the phases have stuck with me as favorites, but it's interesting because I can't really define my taste.

Currently, I'm really liking stuff like Greg Laswell, Bon Iver, Jose Gonzalez (though I only own 3 songs of his), and Band of Horses. I'm horrible at learning about new music. It only makes its way to me after most others have already heard of it, haha. That is my certifiable pitfall to this upcoming blog, I don't really plan on writing about stuff people haven't heard of, because I haven't heard of that stuff. Haha. So feel free to pitch me a copy of a CD, if you think it'd be good to write about.

When this little project will begin, I can't say because I need to ponder a good name. I can't start writing without a solid blog name. So for now, that's what's going down.

Hopelessness

There's an aching tightness in my chest,
And I can't seem to find rest,
Closed eyes, deep breaths,
Each hour full of minute deaths,
Must I die to all my dreams,
Is this the only way?
-It seems,
To get through another broken day,
At the end of which there's nothing to say,
But just lay my head down,
And try not to drown,
In the swirling sea of worries,
That thrashes over my head,
A sudden flash of lightning dread,
I toss and turn,
For a peace,
I yearn,
But none befalls me,
Only fate unknown,
Beckons and calls me.

Ok

What kind of things get lost,
When friendship becomes the cost,
From one thing to the next,
It's all been indexed,
From most important to least,
At the bottom is love that's decreased,

And how did this,
Fall into the wrong hands,
And how can we,
Know where any of this stands,
In the midst of a fire-fight,
We'll never tell who's right,
Even if it takes all night,

Oh but to walk away,
Is like having nothing left to say,
And staring it in the face,
Silent,

Never thought,
It'd pull us apart,
When we were attached at the heart,
Or maybe I was deceived,
And you were relieved,

Cause ain't that the way it goes?
One side stops loving,
A while before it shows,

When you had no one else,
I was there,
But now it seems that you just don't care,
And so I'll walk away,
Walk away,
And hope someday,
My heart will heal,
So that I may feel,
Ok.

Pieces

I hate myself for it,
It's my own brand of failure,
How can I ignore it?
I'm stuck here thinking,
What do I do now,
And is there any way,
That I can fix things,
And How?
Disappointment and regret overtake me,
Who knew something so simple could break me,
What does this mean now,
For the future,
Is there such thing as a broken life suture?
I'm not the type to give up,
But when the road is blocked,
Is there any way to feel but rocked?

Surviving the Fire

So funny story:

Today, I was at my favorite Dunn Brothers, killing time because I went to church, and wanted to go to the 7pm service they have once a month, as well. I didn't want to drive all the way home, so I just sat there and journaled, and had approximately 5 cups of coffee, and 5 potty breaks.

When I was getting a refill, the guys working there were talking about Nebuchadnezzar. The one asked me if I knew the story, I said kind of and that I should. I asked why they were talking about him, and he said "You know, the Matrix." Not the Nebuchadnezzar I was thinking of, which I told them. He then said, it's a biblical story too. So I asked him if he knew what happened in it, because I couldn't for the life of me remember. He said all he remembered was "it was all fire and brimstone."

Naturally, with time to kill, I googled Nebuchadnezzar. I found which chapters of the bible his story was featured in, and then went to biblegateway.com. I read it, it was the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego (spellings, probably incorrect). I felt dumb for forgetting this, and kind of skimmed the story, because I remembered the essence of it. Particularly, I caught this line:

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us..." Daniel 3:17

That was that. I just felt stupid for forgetting one of those stories you learn a billion times in sunday school, - practically every other week, what kind of former-Lutheran am I?

Then, at 7pm, I went to Breakthrough. The worship service. At the end, there's this kind of open prayer time. And there were only a total of 9 of us there, including 1 sound person, 5 worship band members, and the 3 rest of us. The only guy of us audience members, so to speak, brought up the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. He said it was something from his devotional this week, and that it might apply to someone else.

He talked about how they say even if God were not to save them, they would still follow His will and go into the fire, not bow to the idol.

While he was talking about it, I was half-listening, and the other half thinking about how strange it was that I looked up that story today. Some story, I should've already known, hadn't read in years, probably, and then things just lined up.

Then I thought about how much of a parallel that story was to my life this year. This year has had the most challenges I have faced yet. This year has been unbelievably difficult; threw me things I did not expect, and probably would've hid from had I known they were to come.

I faced so much fire this year, and walked through it all trying to pursue God even though more often than not, things were difficult. Less than what the guy was talking about in the men being faithful to God, for me it was more of a realization of how faithful God was to me! How when the world and people in it failed me repeatedly, God didn't; He was the only thing I had to lean on.

Now, looking at the remnants of this year, I see how faithful God has been to me. How He helped me through all that fire.

This may seem cheesy, and all too narrative and thought out, but really, it was like a revelation for me. It made all that pain seem not for waste. Not to mention trust in God's goodness, strengthened.

Simply because of king with a goofy and difficult-to-spell name.

We are now preparing to switch to auto-pilot...

I feel as of late, and well all the time, as if I've forgotten how to write. I'd say one out of every 7 blog posts I truly like (not including poems, those are a whole different bird).

It's probably just that end of the semester thing where my brain shuts down and I run on an auto-pilot...one of my favorite times of year! (sarcasm; though I like being done with school, I don't like when my brain seems to give up, haha).

It is however, entertaining at times, when I say or do stupid things. That part, I do and do not like. Haha. Usually, upon the first occurrence of some weird thing, I'm horrified, a couple weeks later, I'm laughing it off. It's kind of the way to go, the only way to really make it through life and all the stupid things that happen: laugh about it.

Well, I had to warm myself up to journal, and then I've got some studying to do. Biology, it's going down!!