"Love" is a complicated thing; "can't you love me through it?"

Have you ever known someone that you wish would just forgive the stupid things you do? I'm not talking about stupidly cheating on your faithful boyfriend, or repeatedly lying to someone. Just those random occurrences that have obvious consequences and lessons to be learned that you can't not learn unless you're mentally challenged. It's like, come on, don't you think i figured out never to do that again? I just want you to love me through it. I think that's part of what love really is, loving through it; through all the stupid choices/mistakes.

What sparked this thought was one of those moments, where it's stressful enough to go through it, now i just need support. It wasn't a huge deal or anything, but the moment it happened the repercussions had to be made known to me again, which was unnecessary. I don't know about anyone else, but i don't feel the love coming from an "i told you so" of sorts.

I think real love, whether the romantic or platonic, is something a lot of people think they know, but they haven't even scratched the surface. Real love takes time, effort, acquaintance...real love takes a lot of things people are rarely willing to give. I think real love is a sacrifice, it's choosing patience over anger. Real love takes practice (once again with the effort). I think real love takes a certain amount of selflessness; though not complete because we are only human, i don't know that complete selflessness is possible.

I just hear that word tossed around a lot, "love". I think it can also be an extreme level of connection with someone, experiences linking the two of you. To truly love someone, you need to see past the faults and love the person beside them. "Love is not easily angered." Sometimes you not only have to love someone beside their faults, but love them beside yourself. "[Love] is not proud".

It's just so interesting to me as i've grown up in the past years, (and by this i mean matured, though there is much more learning to come) how relevant 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 are to life. They used to be a jumble of words to me, but over the past few years and months especially, these words have been coming to life. They've been clarifying things to me, and challenging me to love as God writes. It just sucks when you try to love as Corinthians states, but other choose not to.

A Letter To A Person

Dear,
i can't believe you.
i can't believe you'd do this.
i can't believe you lied to me.
i really can't believe you're going to do this.
I wish i could tell you how dumb you are.
I wish i could tell you how much you've cut me deep.
i wish i could tell you it's all wrong and fix it for you.
I can't believe you would waste such talent.
Don't you know how smart you are?
Don't you know what you could be?
Don't you know what this could do to you?
Do you care?Are you willing to throw it all away?
Did you ever care?I once thought you did, but now i wonder if it was ALL a lie.
I didn't think you had it in you.You tugged on my heartstrings with your sad story.
I thought you were something to pity, and yet something great.
Or that you would someday be.
Who will push you?
If no one will, will you become anything after all?
Is God in your heart?
Where does he fit into all of this your "plan"?
Did you ever tell me the truth?
Or are you one of those types that lies to them self and so lies to everyone else?
Do think this is right?
Do you really not see where you went wrong?
Do you even care that you hurt me?
Did you ever care about me?
Or was i just a ready and willing ear?
Did you or did you not take advantage of me?
I near hate, when i once loved you so dearly.
Ironic, isn't it?

Another untitled...lately i haven't been good with those

There seems to be no end in sight,
I don't have it in me for another fight,
The last one near killed me,
And none of it thrilled me,
I'd lay my head down to sleep at night,
And it would taunt me preventing my rest,
I figure this time around,
Minimal contact is best,
My head is already beginning to spin,
But it all has barely had time to begin,
Books stack up higher each time,
If for each written word i had a dime,
Oh for those mornings i awoke with my head pounding,
With shouting words of worry resounding,
If i could just but float on by,
Maybe others, but not i,
No, i must put in my every last ounce,
Just to better of my failure announce,
Sometimes i wonder why i chose this path,
I'd never have faced such a wrath.

[I don't even know what to call it besides "a poem"]

God, i hate this wretched feeling,
When i'm staring at the ceiling,
I've cried so many tears,
Over these past years,
And even when i'm angry they come,
Laced in sadness are some,
Sadness that somethings may never change,
That something i loved could become so strange,
Times you make me feel ill with envious rage,
It snatches me up and locks me in a cage,
I can't do that anymore,
Live a life licking each sore,
Wounds that seem to never heal,
Wondering what it is you really feel,
When you look at these pain filled eyes,
To you, should it be a surprise,
Wouldn't you know i would feel this way,
Or did i seem normal through every day,
Walking this life feeling so alone at times,
Nothing seemed just sentence for these crimes,
So i've shoved it all down into the deepths of me,
Making me a darker person to some degree,
I'd rather never speak of them again,
Never look back to remember when,
But the good times, those i will never forget,
So no my dear, you shouldn't fret,
It is all to be remedied somehow,
Even if later, but not now.

So I Laugh . . .

So I laugh:

I was all worried about the 3 papers I had to do this weekend. Well I technically have one outta the way, except for the fact that it's supposed to be 2 to 3 pages...yeah it's just over 4. Like 4 and a 1/5. lol. It's not supposed to be that long. But I don't know what to do. Proof read and just subtract things? As a writer it hurts to have to do that, especially with this kind of writing. It's not just a research paper or book report anymore. Now it's about description and feelings. And I have to remove things? Um...about that. I don't want to remove anything from my 5 page paper about "White Noise"...

so I laugh.

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

So it seems like for as much as I want to find a college close to home because there are too many people I'd miss, I feel like I really should go somewhere far away. Part of me just wants to escape the surroundings that I've known for so long, that I've experienced adnosiam. I can't honestly tell if I'm yearning for somewhere new to make my own fresh start, to experience things on my own. Is that what it takes to experience independence? Do I have to separate myself from the world I know, just to figure out life? I don't know if I'm ready to do that. I'm so comfortable here, and there are few other places I would actually consider moving to for college. Then again, sometimes I feel like I can't wait until college, to live on my own and be free of the stupid things of everyday life that someone turns into something capable of ruining a good mood or a happy disposition.

Sometimes that is the most intriguing part of moving away to college, meeting all new people. It's sad but the truth. There are a lot of people I'd miss here (or wherever they go to school, etc.) but at the same time I feel like I need a break. Maybe it would even help me to realize what I have; help me to appreciate those around me that I do, but not enough.

I could definitely get away from my family! Each as individuals I don't mind so much (I'm more of a one-on-one person anyways), but altogether -other than birthdays and holidays- they are too much. Just think when you put 8 people together there are definitely going to be personalities that clash, no matter if you were born into that mess together or not. There will still be clashes. That's the part I can't deal with. But I'm also scared that I'll meet new people -that don't bother me as much, or aren't so negative, that like to enjoy life and work hard- and that they will make what's back home seem so much more annoying.

Basically, for as much as I'm positive that I'm going to stay in the twin cities, I'm certain I'm going to need to leave. As usual, I'm a walking contradiction!

That Fateful Day . . .

I'll never forget on that fateful day,
The gift gone unnoticed in an ungrateful gray,
How drastically the world changed,
My whole life rearranged,
You let me down and I fell hard,
You let me drown and left me scarred,
The wind of this news pushed me aside,
Our forever friendship defied,
You just watched with no outstretched hand,
Crutches torn away only love's left to stand,
All that was between us ripped apart,
Now we're back how we were at the start,
Is this what you wanted?
To leave us broken and haunted?