This was written a few months back, and for whatever reason I forgot to post it.
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For most of my life thus far, I've considered myself a very open person. It's something I'd pride myself on. Sharing feelings and stories from my life? No problem. Transparency? Sure, why not! Vulnerability? Should be my middle name...
I should clarify that when I refer to "vulnerability" here, I simply
mean emotional vulnerability, not an all encompassing physical or even
social. I'm terribly afraid of being socially vulnerable.
My near-obsession with Twitter (okay, I'm in denial; it's full-on) is nearly 24-7 proof of my caution-to-the-wind attitude towards openness. I'm not aiming just to toot my own horn about how good I am at communicating; I don't think that's the case, to be honest. (Here I go.) Rather, I think there is some insight to be had here, just as I think there is in everything I write or post or talk about...
The other side of the coin to my constant use of Twitter and other social media is sort of related to a desire to communicate. The thing is: I'm an intensive processor. There are things that have happened months ago, and I'm still not done analyzing them. Now, there may be a tendency to think that means I'm socially and developmentally incompetent; why should it take that long to process non-milestone events? Which leads me to the next facet of my Twiddiction, if you will:
I am an over-thinker. Processing, analyzing, observing; I sometimes think these might just be fancy words to justify over-thinking...(but I'm still working on it, so I haven't decided yet. I'll get back to you on that). I can think of way too many possible angles or explanations to a situation. Being an optimist, I try not to worry too much about outcomes, but also for the most part feel that with enough observation, they can likely be predicted based on given factors. Even every time I write a blog post, it's usually because something has been spinning in my head, in spare moments for days or longer. Don't even get me started on the role of ADD or I'll lose my...
Anyway, lastly, in the psychological sense of the term, I am a verbal processor. So much so, that at times I will break out of my vicious over-thought to exclaim something...to myself. Whether or not I am alone. I get so lost in my own head and often my preferred way to sort things out is to talk about it. And if I can't talk about it, I write about it. "It" being anything and everything. And I, being by some sort of weird nature generally unafraid of being vulnerable, have many a time in my life felt close to people because I can be open with them, when in reality I haven't been particular about casting my pearls.
These things combined are the perfect storm for an all-too-open, ridiculous social media socialite. Add in the introspection, and here I am blogging about it; I know it. I'm aware.
All self-deprecation aside, my openness is something I've always prided myself on. Lately, I've been feeling it slip away, and for as analytical and over-thoughtful as I am, I can't put my finger on it. A willingness to be vulnerable is not an easy thing to come by. "Talk about your feelings? Who does that anymore? Everyone is just cool, all the time." Because we have this face to put on and to save. We have our facebook pages and our instagram lives.
Some close to me have told me that the caution towards spewing my every thought to any willing listener is a sign of maturity. But it still feels weird. I don't want to let go of it, because I feel like the transparency of taking on life with an understanding of imperfection is beneficial. It's part of the reason I love vulnerability! Relationship becomes so much more deep when you share a part of your life that is scary or difficult to share. Or maybe someone can learn from it, just by knowing what another has gone through and learned.
It's my sadness that vulnerability is such an ugly thing to so many, because it's place in my life has been life-giving. So I have been and will continue to try to cling to it, while reining it in. If you read this and other things I write and post, I hope you continue to enjoy my crazy rants!
